They say that the brain is a woman’s most important sex organ. Still, our bodies’ role is just as important, especially as we get older.

Feeling satisfied sexually depends on several things: embracing our bodies, feeling desirable, arousal, absence of pain, and the ability to reach orgasm.

Menopause brings many changes. Our libido declines, and changes in our bodies can make it challenging to get aroused, painful to have intercourse, and impossible to climax. So it’s little wonder why women throw their hands up, wave the white flag, become dissatisfied with sex, and sometimes avoid intimacy entirely.

The good news is that during menopause and beyond, women can still enjoy sex even if more extended foreplay is needed, lubricants are a staple on the bedside table, and vibrators become your best friend.

Aging: Taboo When It Shouldn’t Be

Aging should be a beautiful experience, but media, advertising, culture, and society makes older women feel invisible, irrelevant, and unattractive.

It’s easy to judge our bodies by seeing the wrinkles, gray hair, cellulite, and weight gain in the mirror. Women tend to wear bulky clothing to hide their bodacious bodies because they feel shameful that they’re no longer young and attractive.

If you watched the ‘Golden Girls’ sitcom that debuted in 1985, would you be surprised to know that Rose was 55, Dorothy 53, and Blanche 47? Even though the actors were older than the characters they played, the creators depicted “midlife” as old.

Their outfits were something my grandmother would wear! Looking at images of them, Rose and Dorothy wore cardigan sweaters, shirts buttoned up to their neck, long sleeves, and either a long skirt or pants. Is this because society sees women over 50 as unattractive and invisible?

Although the narrative about aging is slightly getting better, we still have a long way to go. Modern TV is attempting to rewrite this narrative, as seen in the ‘Sex and the City’ reboot ‘And Just Like That.’ Miranda and Charlotte are 54, and Carrie is 55. Their ages and storylines depict how women in their 50s can dress how they feel and have fulfilling sex lives. As a result, they’ve changed the narrative about aging.

It’s time we see women over 50 as sexy, bodacious, and powerful. Aging isn’t something we should fear but instead embrace.

And that’s precisely what I did.

Climb That Pole, Girl

In 2017, two years before my 50th birthday, I walked into a dance studio with five of my friends and a Groupon in my hand. Now, this wasn’t just any old dance studio. 

No… It had poles. Ten, to be exact.

I was intrigued, but it also gave me some uncomfortable flashbacks of my ex-husband, who frequented strip clubs. My immediate reaction was, “what the hell have I done?”

Panic crept in instantaneously as I looked around at the much younger women in attendance and wanted to quietly sneak out the back.

Perhaps our instructor noticed my fear and began speaking in a patient, kind, compassionate, and supportive tone. Instantly, I felt at ease.  

Much to my surprise, she was around my age and built like me, an average woman. She had cellulite, wasn’t a size two, and, most of all, she understood how trying something new at this age can be intimidating.

We began with the basics; toe spins, walking around the pole with sexy confidence, and even had us try to climb the pole. I tried, and my body didn’t even get a half-inch off the ground. Looking around at the others, I noticed the younger attendees climbing their poles with minimal effort.

I was discouraged. Would I ever get to the top of my pole? The answer is a resounding YES! It took me eight months, and because I never gave up, I climbed that fucking pole and rang the bell, all while being cheered on by eight women who weren’t going to allow me to give up.

Age Appropriate Behaviors

After arriving home and feeling a natural high, I posted my success on Facebook. I wanted to share my exciting news with others. I wanted to celebrate my success!

But instead, I was met with a comment from a high school classmate who said, “You’re an embarrassment. What are you teaching young girls about their bodies? Pole dancing is disgusting.”

Wow!!! I broke down in tears. How could someone I knew and considered a friend be critical of something I wanted to do and share it with others to encourage them to try something new?

She had fallen into the societal conditioning that women shouldn’t be seen or heard, especially those in midlife and beyond. The patriarchy makes women believe that once a woman hits a certain age, sexiness becomes “inappropriate.”  It’s not our faults, it’s ingrained into our DNA from a young age and instead of asking “WHY” there are women out there that believe in this belief with all of their soul, and they choose to lash out at those who won’t “fall in line” with what society deems appropriate. 

Not only did I continue with pole dance classes, but I also took burlesque classes. 

Pole dance taught me how to find my physical and mental strength; burlesque taught me how to love my naked body and find my sensuality, it helped me feel sexy again. It connected me to myself, after feeling disconnected so long. The struggle with menopause is feeling disconnected with your body so when you find things that reconnect you, don’t ever give them up, even if other people don’t understand or try to add their two cents in. This is about you connecting with your sexuality again, it’s important to remember that if you receive negative feedback from other people. .

Although society conditions us to feel terrible about aging, which makes most women believe that menopause is the death of all things “sexuality,” there are ways to make it work for you, not against you.

Feeling Good Sexy

I know what you are thinking,  I haven’t felt sexy in a really long time. Maybe you can’t even remember the last time you felt sexy. But it’s time to reconnect with that inner flame again. Being sexy isn’t something that you have to “do”, it is something you just ARE. All we have to do is work on your confidence, because that is the missing piece you are searching for when it comes to feeling sexy in your skin.

Societal body shaming can be so ingrained that it can make you feel like it’s the truth. But it’s not.  Your body is beautiful, regardless if you believe it’s not. The first step to gaining your confidence is recognizing how truly beautiful you are. This will also probably be the most uncomfortable part of the process.

If you feel shame around your body, the first thing you think of is covering it up. This is the perfect time to push yourself outside your comfort zone little by little by taking it all off instead.

Let me give you some tips on how to feel sexy in your skin again.

Let’s practice!

Step 1:

• Stand in front of a mirror fully dressed.
• Now, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Exhale slowly.
• Repeat until you feel relaxed.
• Open your eyes, remove your clothing, and look at yourself naked.

Step 2:

• What are the feelings that bubble up? Say them out loud, and if tears appear, allow yourself to feel those emotions.
• Close your eyes again, take a deep breath in through your nose, and exhale through your mouth. Again, repeat a few times until you feel relaxed

Step 3:

• Open your eyes again and repeat these words.
  • I love my body flaws and all.
  • I’m perfect just the way I am.
  • I deserve to treat myself with love and respect.
  • I look exactly the way I’m supposed to at this age.
  • I am accepting myself as I am right now.

Watching our bodies change as we age is hard to get. Our breasts are no longer perky; it’s hard to ignore the fat around our waist. Looking in the mirror and wondering where that latest wrinkle came from can cause us to talk negatively to ourselves.

Feeling emotional during or after these exercises is normal. However, some of the emotions that may come to the surface are sadness, embarrassment, and fear.

Self-love doesn’t happen overnight, so be kind to yourself because you have to nurture before flourishing.

Feeling confident about your body takes practice. So, continue this exercise until you can look in the mirror and accept your beautiful body, flaws, and all.

Feeling Desirable

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, everyone wants to feel wanted, yearned for.  Feeling desired is about your sensuality and radiance. It’s more profound than being sexy, it’s that inner flame that is waiting to be ignited. 

This is about your feminine power, girlfriend.

You need to know you’re desirable and feel desirable inside.

1. Make an effort in your daily appearance. This doesn’t mean you have to go all out every day but try to avoid leaving the house in your sweats or a wrinkled shirt. Take a few extra minutes to apply natural-looking makeup or, at the very least, lipstick, style your hair, and do anything else that makes you feel good about yourself.
2. Choose clothing that makes you feel desirable. This could be sexy stockings, a short skirt, high-heeled shoes, or athletic wear that shows off your best assets.
3. Inner radiance comes from when you feel good in your body. It gives you this inner glow that is magnetic to all of those around you. Inner radiance comes from feeling good on this inside as well as the outside.

YOU must see yourself as sexy, charming, and alluring on the outside while feeling sensual on the inside.

Sensuality is about being present at the moment, fully aware of what feels good to you, focusing on your beauty and softness, and, most importantly, practicing self-love each day.

Self-love is having appreciation and respect for yourself. It’s essential to treat yourself with the love and kindness you deserve, as well as nourish yourself.

Your first relationship is with yourself; you need to love yourself before you can love others.

Self-love practices are prioritizing your well-being and mental health, embracing self-compassion, setting boundaries, surrounding yourself with supportive, loving people, and comparing yourself with others.

At least one day each week, tune into your sensuality by listening to upbeat and uplifting music; touching your body daily, shifting your negative mindset to positive affirmations, letting your sensual vibe flow smoothly; taking a soothing bath or shower; wearing sexy undergarments just for you.

Achieving the Big O

Menopause is quite the fickle bitch. I wasn’t prepared for vaginal dryness, low libido, and painful intercourse. Achieving an orgasm was even more difficult. What in the hell was happening to my body? Was this it? Would I never enjoy sex with my husband again?

I felt embarrassed and didn’t know how to discuss the subject with my spouse. How do you even start that conversation?

Since we were now empty nesters, we had all the time in the world to engage in intimacy and sex. Still, to be honest, I steered clear of engaging in anything physical because of the pain.

Day by day, my husband and I began drifting apart. I knew that if we sat next to one another and he began to rub my leg or kiss me gently, it was an invitation to something more.

And then, on my podcast, I interviewed a woman who was a relationship coach. We discussed intimacy, and I shared with her my fears about sex. I no longer felt alone.

During that interview, she suggested we purchase the book She Comes First, a man’s guide to pleasuring a woman.

Once the podcast concluded, I found the courage to share what I had learned and told him about the book. He ordered it right away, and once it arrived, he dove in head first (no pun intended).

I remember sitting in my office, and he walked in like he usually does when he wants to chat. But I wasn’t expecting him to say, “I’m reading that book that was recommended to us, and there is an exercise that I’d like to practice with you. Are you up for it later tonight?”

Taking a moment to digest what he had just proposed, I said, “Sure, let’s give it a try.”

Later that evening, we were getting ready for bed, and he said, “The exercise is for me to watch you masturbate, and I’m to take mental notes of what you like.”

My inner voice said, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

I said, “This makes me very nervous. My obstetrician is the only one who has ever been that up close and personal.”

We both laughed, and it definitely helped cut the tension.

It had been quite some time since I achieved an orgasm by self-stimulation. Was it awkward having my husband watch as if I was at the doctor’s office and he was an intern taking notes?

Absolutely YES!

But what I learned from that night was that he wants to put my pleasure before himself. And, to this day, when we engage in sexual activities, he will say that he wants me to come first.

There is no shame in masturbating with your partner and figuring out what feels good to YOU! Because if you don’t know how to achieve an orgasm on your own, how can you expect your partner to do so?

Once you are ready to start diving into intercourse, here are a few suggestions I have to help you feel less embarrassed and more pleasure.

Grab The Lube

Lubrication is a fast and easy way to get that wetness your vagina is craving. Adding lube to your foreplay is essential if you suffer from excessive dryness. It can feel awkward to grab the lube once you are in a heightened state of arousal, so make sure to start with it to help make the experience enjoyable. But just a little dab will do. Make sure you research whether water-based or silicon-based is best for you.

Direct Stimulation

Stroking or rubbing your clitoris to know what feels good can cause arousal. Use some lube to increase this sensation. Grab a vibrator, add some lube, and turn it on low to see what feels best. There are a lot of great clit stimulators out there on the market right now. If you are looking for one, check out this month’s post on clit stimulators! There are three different clit vibrators discussed in that article as well as links to purchase them. 

Speak With Your Doctor

If lubricants and moisturizers aren’t helping with your vaginal dryness, it may be time to ask your doctor about other treatments, and don’t feel ashamed. Our hormones are changing, and it may take more than one trip to a specialist to find what will work for you. This is a normal process of being in menopause. I know that many women, just like you, are going through this same experience.

I know what it’s like to feel scared, stuck, lost, and powerless. 

I also know what it’s like to feel visible, relevant, attractive, and empowered. 

The difference between the two is learning how to love my body, find my tribe of women who are supportive, being courageous in the bedroom by asking for what I want and need, letting go of the societal conditioning of what a woman over 50 should look like, dress like, and act like. 

It’s time for you to step into your power because you deserve a lifetime of wild, juicy, and orgasmic sex.