Smex Ed

I was two weeks postpartum with my daughter and completely in love with her, when I looked down and instantly thought “I never want her to hate herself as much as I’ve hated myself for years” 

TEENAGE WASTELAND 

An eating disorder and the need to be “perfect” ravaged my teenage years. The first time I remember thinking I was “fat” I was 8 years old. From there, the dysfunction started with a meal journal at 9 years old, where I would document everything I ate that day, and next to each meal or snack I would label it “healthy” or “not healthy”. My idea of what was healthy was jaded, and only vegetables and meat made the cut for being labeled “healthy”. I would weigh myself before I decided what I was going to eat for lunch or dinner, and if I wasn’t under whatever number I thought was “healthy” enough, I wouldn’t allow myself to have anything that contained carbohydrates or sugar. It was exhausting, I was at war with myself and with everything I put in my body and it truly didn’t matter what number I got down to on the scale, I still wasn’t happy.

 I was actively pursuing the only body type I was seeing modeled as “beautiful”, which was everything I was seeing in the media, all photoshopped to such a strong degree. I became increasingly disillusioned with the images I saw in magazines and on billboards – images of women that had been airbrushed, photoshopped, and otherwise manipulated to conform to an unrealistic standard of beauty. Manipulating women’s bodies in this way is just another way society tells us we’re not good enough. 

Looking down at my perfect, sweet, 2-week-old baby girl cracked me wide open, she was beautiful just the way she was and I never wanted her to battle herself the way I had for the longest time. She deserved to walk through life knowing she was ENOUGH, and that she was beautiful no matter her size – and I knew I’d need to heal this dysfunctional relationship with my body if I was going to lead by example.

THE HEALING PROCESS

I had already had one boudoir session prior to having my daughter and so I knew how powerful seeing myself through another’s perspective could be. Boudoir can bridge the gap between what we THINK we look like, and what we REALLY look like – stopping body dysmorphia in its tracks. And so I leaned hard into the power of boudoir, I started with selfies in my underwear in my bedroom, and I pursued having more professional sessions done. 

Boudoir helped me heal. Every single time I got in front of that camera it healed me and my relationship with myself. It healed parts of me I didn’t even know needed to be healed. I saw images of myself and thought “That’s ME?? I AM beautiful!” It helped me realize my self worth and that beauty isn’t one size or shape – I was beautiful just the way I was.

 The incredible thing about the process of boudoir is that the camera doesn’t lie, and as long as you go to a trusted professional that doesn’t use photoshop to manipulate your body, you can TRUST that what your seeing in those images is YOU, and then you can put down the hate that you have for yourself. It’s an incredibly healing process because when you look at an image and all you see is beauty, you won’t even notice the things that you thought were flaws before.

When you look at an image and all you see is confidence, you can tell body dysmorphia to shove it. Boudoir is there to help you awaken the self confidence and self love that you’ve been burying in hate and self doubt for too long. 

 I didn’t need to slim down, I didn’t need to tone up, I didn’t need to lose weight. I was beautiful and worthy and RADIANT. My cellulite wasn’t the enemy. My stretch marks weren’t the enemy. My weight wasn’t the enemy. The number in my jeans wasn’t the enemy. The enemy was the skewed unrealistic vision I had about what I needed to look like to be “beautiful” in society’s standards.

I believe so strongly in my way of boudoir, because I’ve also been on the other side of the camera for professionals who do not share the same values as I do. They don’t think about the healing and vulnerability, they don’t care why you’re there, all they want is to make their images more “sellable”, and so they think they need to take out every roll, wrinkle, and thin you down so that you’ll like the images. I went to a professional for multiple sessions, and it wasn’t until the fourth and final session I had with her that I discovered she had been photoshopping and manipulating my body the whole time. Every. Single. Session.

I walked into this session PROUD, I was confident, fierce, and ready to celebrate myself EXACTLY the way I was. She allowed me to take a screenshot of my favorite image at the end of the session, so I had the unedited version of the image, and a few weeks later she sent me the edited version. I knew immediately that this image had been changed in ways I did not consent to. 

My body got cold and tears welled up in my eyes as I compared the images side by side and saw the degree at which she nipped and tucked my body, making me look 15 lbs lighter. I was mortified, I trusted this person in my most vulnerable state to help me celebrate and she looked at this image and felt the need to “fix” it. 

There is no way to explain the feelings that rush through your body when you realize you’ve gone through the entire boudoir process and someone sat staring at the screen “Fixing” you after you left. 

THIS is why photoshop has no place in boudoir. Women do not need to be photoshopped. Photoshop feeds the monster that is body dysmorphia. I look back on every session with this particular photographer and all I can think is “Did I really look like this? Or did she photoshop it?’

This is why I do what I do the way I do it. Because photoshopping images is just confirming what women already fear in society – that we’re not enough unless we’re airbrushed and our waistlines are tucked. I will continue the way I do this work WITHOUT photoshop, for the rest of my life. I want to show women that they are beautiful, radiant, worthy, and ENOUGH just the way they are.

MY STYLE OF BOUDOIR

Determined to help other women see themselves for how truly beautiful they are, I specialize in Luxury Boudoir Photography. I want to use photography as a tool to empower women, and help them bridge the gap between what body dysmorphia tells them they look like, versus what they ACTUALLY look like. I choose not to photoshop because it’s not necessary and I believe it’s detrimental to women’s mental health. All we see in the media is photoshopped bodies and it’s not real. 

What our kids need to see is us embracing our bodies and celebrating them no matter what flaws we think we have. This is also why I encourage my client’s to hang their images in their home! 

The truth is, our children are already seeing bodies, in magazines, on TV, billboards, mall shop windows, etc. and the problem with that is that they’re only seeing one kind of body – the photoshopped kind. This will lead them to believe that’s the only kind of beautiful body worth celebrating. The message you’re sending your kids by having the courage to have a session done and hang an image like that in your home is that you’re PROUD of your body, that you’re worth celebrating, and that all bodies are beautiful and worthy of love.

They will thank you for it later.  

Through this work, I’ve given women a voice – a way to express their true selves and feel comfortable in their own skin. These photographs are a celebration of individuality, a reminder that beauty comes in many forms, and that there is no one “right” way to look.

What I need you to know is that you can do this. You’re worthy of celebrating your body – right now, just as you are. You have a boudoir body. You can heal your relationship with yourself and see how beautiful you are. I have had clients of all ages, sizes, and all walks of life. I have had clients come to me to work through the trauma of sexual assault, as a way to take their body back and claim it as theirs again.

I’ve had clients referred to me by their therapists to work through extreme body dysmorphia, and truly see themselves. I’ve had clients come just for fun, to celebrate themselves. And no matter if you have a deep reason for coming, or you’re just coming for fun – what I need you to know is that this is a safe space. You’re safe with me, to experience whatever emotions might come up.

Sometimes it’s like a party and we’re having fun laughing and chatting, and sometimes it’s crying and working through flashbacks.

No matter what, you’re deserving of self love, self confidence, and a healing experience that leaves you feeling as fierce as ever. In the end, my journey to becoming an anti-photoshop boudoir photographer was about more than just taking pictures. It was about taking a stand, and showing women that they are more than enough – just as they are. And that message, more than any photograph, is what truly empowered the women I have the honor of working with.