Help! My Partner Is Afraid To Use Toys In The Bedroom

Here at Smex Ed, we’re all about enjoying yourself and learning new things that bring you pleasure. With that comes discussions on sex toys – but there seems to be a number of people who have strong feelings about them.

The most common thing we hear from people is that their partner is completely against them using sex toys – either with or without them.

Who would have thought something that was supposed to be fun and foster connection could bring so much animosity?

Fun facts: Approximately 80% of individuals aged 20-44 own at least one sex toy. And sex toys are among the top things most people want to incorporate into their lives. And couples who report better communication, happy relationships and more sexual satisfaction are also using sex toys.

So why are sex toys so controversial for some people?

RELATIONSHIP RED FLAG:

As a therapist, I have a really hard time when someone comes to me saying their partner won’t “let” them do something. Especially if they are dictating what their partner can or can’t do without them.

Unless you’re in a relationship where you’ve already negotiated those boundaries, that’s a big red flag for me.

Everyone deserves to make their own decisions and choices about their lives, and that includes all aspects of their life. So when someone tells me their partner doesn’t “let” them do things – it brings up a lot of questions about control for me. As a therapist, I’m always on the lookout for toxic behaviors that may be indicators of intimate partner abuse, and control is a big indicator.

Now, if you and your partner have a dynamic where there’s an element of control that you have negotiated, that’s a different story … and something we can discuss more in a future article.

Back to the sex toy conversation at hand … There’s several things here to address, so buckle up, buttercup.

My partner thinks I’m replacing them by using a sex toy.

Oof, this hurts my heart a bit. For both of you.

First, let’s remember that we all grew up with certain ideas about sex and what was appropriate and what wasn’t. Your partner may be someone who grew up very conservative or religious and still has strong feelings about sex in general.

This is worth exploring through conversation and listening with an open heart. Remember: Your partner’s beliefs about sex are not a judgment on you.

Consider why you want to introduce sex toys. Is it because it’s fun? Is it because you want to try something new? Is it because you have a hard time orgasming at all, let alone with your partner? Is it because you want to foster connection? Is it because you have a higher sex drive than your partner?

Whatever the reason, you need to be clear about why you want to introduce toys into your sex life. And then you need to be open about hearing why your partner is NOT open to that.

Only once you have a frank conversation about it can you begin to work on seeing the other person’s point of view and then work toward a resolution together.

Let’s be clear: Sex toys should not be viewed as a replacement for ANY form of intimacy. Can they help foster intimacy? Yes, but there’s a lot of positive enrichment that happens through non-sexual intimate activities, too. Be sure you’re including things such as date nights, having dinner together regularly, going on walks, hugging/kissing, and simply enjoying each other to build that strong foundation of connection that you most definitely canNOT get from a toy.

Some tips for those in this situation:

Choose a sex toy that provides clitoral stimulation only, rather than penetration. Some people are very sensitive to the size and shape of toys, so choosing something that only provides external stimulation may be a better option.
Consider shopping together. Online shops like Bellesa, LoveHoney, or TooTimid are great places to start if going to a sex shop feels like too much.

Please remember that this is probably not going to be a simple one-time conversation. It will probably take multiple conversations over a long period of time to come to an agreement that feels good for both of you. Patience is key.

My partner feels like sex toys lead to cheating.

This is probably another viewpoint that your partner grew up with or was told by someone they trusted.

We can’t fault them for the things they were taught as they grew up, and we can only hold space for them to explore those beliefs, if they choose to.

Challenging anyone’s beliefs tends to be a touchy subject. Anytime we introduce a different opinion, we are usually going to be met with pushback. The best way to combat this is to continually share your viewpoint in small ways (we don’t want to nag someone), and allow the other person to consider it on their own. Plant the seeds, if you will. Then water those seeds occasionally and see what happens.

There are a lot of ways to plant the seed about adding in sex toys. One way would be sharing information about a sex toy that you learned. Maybe sharing that a friend has raved about a new toy that helped her learn how to squirt, or that helped her achieve multiple orgasms. Then sit back and listen to how your partner responds to that information.

Another way could be focusing on how the toys will be beneficial and pleasurable for both of you. Men, particularly, enjoy watching women get off. By focusing on how a sex toy may help in that way could be fruitful. By saying you’ve always wanted to learn how to squirt or to have multiple orgasms and you’ve been told a certain toy may help, you can focus on how fun it would be to experience that together and how you’d love for them to be a part of it.

In all my years as a therapist, though, I will say I have never once encountered an individual who cheated on their partner because they were using sex toys.

Tips for those in this situation:

Focus on the already established security of the relationship. Your desire for a sex toy isn’t to replace them or fill a void you feel in the relationship. The sex toy is an added bonus.
Let your partner know you want them to be involved in the fun. “I want to be able come all over you and I want you to watch me.” or “I want us both to experience how intense this can be. I want to try this with you because I think we’ll both come so hard and it will be mind-blowing.”

My partner doesn’t believe we should use sex toys at all. They think if we need sex toys there’s something wrong with us/them.

Oh, love … this one hurts my heart, too. Because sex toys are supposed to be fun.

First – there is nothing wrong with EITHER of you if you want to use sex toys in the bedroom, with or without your partner.

There are a lot of reasons why you may want to add sex toys. Sometimes it’s because it’s hard to achieve an orgasm through penetration or oral or manual stimulation. Sometimes it simply is to add in some fun and novelty.

Your partner’s ego is bruised when they say these things. However, if we can help them to see sex toys as a tool they get to use to help make the game more fun, we may be able to soothe their ego a bit.

Consider this: You wouldn’t go try to play golf without golf clubs. You wouldn’t try to hang a picture on the wall without a hammer and nails, or make a bookshelf with only a single screwdriver. Eventually, you’d get out the power drill and make life a whole lot easier.

We can have the same approach to sex toys. Yes, sex can be fun without them; but they can also be so much more fun with them.

Some tips for those in this situation:

Focus on how the toys can make life easier for them. No more hand cramping, no more charlie horses, no more tired jaw …
Invite them to possibly watch some pornography that incorporates sex toys and then discuss how they were used and what the benefits were.

My partner just does NOT want to entertain the idea of sex toys.

Look, as much as I love sex toys, there’s also nothing wrong with you if you DON’T want to use sex toys. If that is your preference, you are completely entitled to that.

Some people may have had a bad experience with sex toys or be uncomfortable with the level of vulnerability that may come with use of them. For example, I’ve found many men to be uncomfortable with the idea of tying their partner up or being overly rough with their partner out of fear of being accused of rape.

While this may seem like an extreme example, I believe it illustrates just how strong some fears are about doing anything “out of the norm.”

Another example is someone who is against using sex toys because they feel it’s disrespectful toward their partner. There’s a multitude of reasons why someone may not want to explore the use of toys. This is why it’s important to have a discussion with your partner and be open and honest about why you want, or don’t want, to do something.

If your partner is absolutely against using sex toys, you may need to consider that you simply won’t be able to use sex toys with them. I’d encourage a discussion about using sex toys individually, if you want, as a way for each of you to feel heard and understood.

Here’s the thing: Everyone has a right to their own bodily autonomy, which is why it’s important to know what your personal boundaries are with your body in order to be able to share those with a partner. While your partner may not like the idea of you using toys on your own, you absolutely have a right to your own decision.

Remember, relationships are about negotiation – by telling someone your boundary around something, you’re not dictating what they can/can’t do; you’re simply informing them of what behavior you will accept or not accept. They then have the opportunity to decide if they’re willing to budge on their own beliefs and boundaries or not.

Asking your partner how they feel about you using toys solo isn’t about asking permission, it’s about negotiating that boundary with them and having respectful conversations.

Regardless of who you’re with or your relationship style, you EACH have a right to your own body and pleasure. Period. If you’re not on the same page about it, it’s time to have a discussion and see what you can do to understand each other better.

Being vulnerable enough to even open a conversation about sex toys or your level of satisfaction with your sex life takes a lot of courage. Remember, if your partner is bringing this up, it’s because it’s important to them and they want to be on the same page – not because they want to accuse you of anything. Every difficult conversation is an opportunity to bring you closer together – if you’re open to it.

Some tips for those in this situation:

Ask your partner what their feelings and beliefs are about sex toys – both using together and individually.
Be ready to explore those feelings and beliefs without judgment and with compassion and negotiate, if you choose. Remember: you’re not trying to convince your partner of anything, you’re simply listening to understand better.
This will probably be an ongoing discussion – and that’s OK!

Just because you and your partner may not be on the same page with sex toys to start with doesn’t mean all hope is lost. Relationships require a lot of conversations – probably more than you think! I’m certain there is a happy medium for you to reach that will feel satisfying for each of you.

Please keep in mind this is general information from a professional, but all relationships are unique. If you’re still having trouble communicating with your partner about these issues, I’d encourage you to seek out professional help from a sex therapist or couple’s counselor to work on specifics to your own situation.