I polled the SmexEd instagram users last month about their favorite sexual positions and more than 50% of you said you like something kinkier than the basics (missionary, doggy, cowgirl) …. But no one wanted to offer up what those may be. 

I had a reason for asking and that’s because we got a reader-submitted question about how to spice things up in the bedroom while maintaining the deep, intimate connection.

So, if your sex positions have become predictable and maybe even a bit boring, don’t worry, boo; I got you. 

First, let’s talk about ways to build intimacy no matter what sexual position you choose. (These can also be implemented outside the bedroom without sexual contact to further build connection.)

Ways to Build Intimacy

Eye contact

is one of the first things I suggest focusing on to help maintain the connection with your partner. If one of you has a tendency to close your eyes, the other simply verbalizing “open your eyes” or “look at me” can be extremely erotic and build on an intimate connection. 

Sexy talk

Can be another way to maintain and improve your connection to your partner. Some simple phrases that may help those who are a bit more quiet: “you’re so beautiful”; “you feel so good”; “I love your (insert body part)”; “I love how you touch me”; “everything feels so good”. And never underestimate the power of a good moan, groan or “fuck.” 

Touching

Your partner is also a great way to foster connection. Instead of rushing to the finish line (unless you’re into quickies), take the time to really explore your partner with your fingertips, mouth, tongue or even nose. Yes, that may sound weird, but try it out! Pay attention to how your partner’s breathing changes when you touch certain parts of their body. Learning what they like and don’t like based on how their body responds. 

Now, at the risk of sounding too much like Cosmo …. Let’s look at a few tweaks to the typical sexual positions that can be fun AND maintain the emotional connection. 

Missionary tweaks: 

If you tend to always go for missionary position, try these subtle adjustments: 

• Have the top partner remain on their knees (instead of being pressed up against the other person horizontally). This allows the top partner to visually enjoy their partner and allows access to other erogenous zones (nipples, breasts, clitoris, etc). The top partner can also play with how to position legs (maybe shifting their partner to the side and having one leg on their shoulder and the other between their legs – kind of like a scissors variation.) Side note: this is also an opportunity to practice dirty talking by narrating what you see and enjoy about your partner’s body. 

• Take it out of the bedroom and to a surface that allows the top partner to remain standing (think: dining room table or kitchen counter, or even stay on the bed but have your partner stand next to it). This again allows for the top partner’s hands to be free to roam, but also could have a voyeuristic element if you choose to take it out of the bedroom and in front of a window. 

• If your partner is into it, add in a dominant element. Maybe add in some restraints, such as silk ties to keep the bottom partner  from moving or touching you. Even using your hands to hold your partner’s hands would do – bonus connection points if you lace your fingers together and hold their hands over their head. A hand on the throat (not squeezing) will also do wonders as a way to maintain the intimate connection with a dominant edge. 

Doggy style tweaks:

If doggy style is your … well, style, then here’s a few tweaks you can try: 

• Take it to the side. Instead of both of you being on your knees, try laying down on your sides and spoon. You can play with leg and body angles a bit and even be able to reach around and touch your partner’s chest. While this may not seem like a “spicier” version, if you have knee problems or hip issues, this can take the pressure off and allow for a more leisurely exploration. This always makes me think of Sunday morning sex vibes. 

• Touch your partner’s back/grab their hair. This is pulling in that dominant vibe again – running your fingers up and down their back gives them a feeling of praise and being worshiped, while grabbing their hair (and maybe gently pulling it) gives more “I can’t control myself” vibes. 
• Get close. Instead of keeping your partner bent over, pull them back up so their back is pressed against your chest. This can provide a ton of intimate connection by allowing you to touch each other more, as well as giving the opportunity for the person behind to whisper dirty things in their partner’s ear. Bonus for those with a quick trigger – this position usually causes a more shallow thrust, which can help you last longer. 

Cowgirl tweaks:

If riding is your thing, then here’s a few options to try out:

• Move to a chair or the couch. Channel your inner lap dancer and get your grind on with your partner sitting in a chair or slouched on the couch. Face either way (toward them or away from them). Put your legs outside of their or inside. Play around until you find something that feels good. Letting your partner touch you or not is completely up to you. 

• Have your partner sit up with you. So essentially, you both will be sitting crossed legged. This may not work as well for some, but this position can be intensely intimate. It’s a great position to try a version of tantric breathing in – where one person inhales while the other exhales. Eye contact, whispered dirty talk and sensual touch are all great additives in this position. 

• Combine cowgirl and doggy with the reverse cowgirl, but play around with your leg placement. Instead of staying in a straddle position, bring one foot up so you’re in a half-kneeling position and bring it between your partner’s legs. Now you’re back in almost a scissor position and your partner can help with thrust by planting a foot on the bed for leverage. This position can give you some serious grinding leverage and allow both of you to employ some sensual touch. 

Final tip:

Don’t be afraid of lube – and definitely don’t be afraid to use it in multiple places. Try adding it to your partner’s buttocks and, instead of penetrating them, using the globes of their buttocks to rub yourself on. Same can go for the breasts. The lube acts like a massage oil and allows for that sensual touch to go a long way. 

Remember, it’s not just the sexual position that makes it spicy. It’s about the things you add into it. It’s like taking a basic bread recipe – it’s great on its own, but you can add in all kinds of things to change the flavor. 

Let me know what you think and if you have any other suggestions – I’m sure there’s tons of things you have tried that aren’t on my radar!