Smex Ed

The air is getting chilly, holiday decorations are appearing in stores, and family obligations are popping up on the calendar. Winter is approaching, and with it, singles are gearing up for cuffing season. 

If you’re new to the single scene, cuffing season is a phenomenon in which singles ramp up efforts to enter into a relationship during fall and winter months. These relationships (which often resemble situationships) may fizzle out in the spring, usually after Valentine’s day. 

In fact, some singles have already gotten a headstart on cuffing season with ramping up their dating efforts in September and October so that, by November, they’re in an exclusive or more committed relationship. 

But why? 

What is Cuffing?

Historically, people focused on pairing up in the winter to conserve resources and have companionship. If you go even further back, the belief is that these relationships would result in offspring being born in the late summer/early fall when harvests were plentiful and there was more of a chance of survival for the children. 

But, as a friend pointed out: It’s 2023, and most people aren’t worried about children surviving the winter. So why are we still so drawn to tie ourselves to someone (or someones) during the winter?

Honestly, the biggest culprits are loneliness and family expectations.

As the days get shorter and the nights get longer (and colder), most of us tend to be more focused on getting home to our warm house instead of going out and socializing. And, if we live alone (or even if we don’t), that can feel pretty lonely after a busy summer of being the social butterfly. 

In that respect, it’s easy to see why we may be seeking out some kind of companionship – someone to help chase away the chill in the air and snuggle up with in front of a fire, and ultimately keep the blues away. 

Additionally, there are many families who put pressure on us to “settle down”, which can make family gatherings a dreadful experience. Who wants to sit next to Aunt Kathy every year and hear her continually ask “are you dating anyone?” “When are you going to meet a nice girl/boy?” “My friend’s son/daughter is single – you should meet them” or any other variation of the sort. 

It’s exhausting to constantly field those questions, and honestly, it can really do a number on your self-esteem. 

Now, with that in mind, it makes sense as to why we’d want to hook up with someone who will help buffer the family inquisition.

And of course, let’s not forget the multitude of Lifetime movies which focus on singles “finding their one true love” during the holiday season. It’s really no wonder why we all feel a bit programmed to be partnered up during the winter months.

The only problem I see with cuffing season is the fact that people don’t realize they’re hooking up because it’s cuffing season. 

Let me explain: There are a lot of people out there who turn to dating apps thinking they’re ready for a relationship, but are really just feeling bored or lonely. Now, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with turning to dating apps when you’re bored or lonely – my hope is that people can be honest and upfront about their intentions and not lead others on. 

I know, I know … I’m probably a little delulu about that, but that’s ok. 

Approaching Cuffing Season Intentionally

So, how do we approach cuffing season intentionally? 

1. Know where you’re looking for. Are you looking for something short term? Are you looking for something long term? Are you ok with short term even if you want long term? Knowing what you’re looking for during this time is key. The last thing you want to do is get deeply invested in a relationship with someone who only wants to keep their bed warm. 
2. Sus out the boundaries. What intimacy level do you want in this relationship? Do you want to be monogamous? Are there expectations on attending holiday events with each other? What about gifts? There’s a lot of unspoken expectations during the holiday season, so be sure you know what the expectations and boundaries are. 
3. Focus on the moment at hand. I’m talking to those of you who jump straight to hearing wedding bells when you meet someone new. Yeah, I know it, cause I was it. Rein in the happily ever after storyline and focus on enjoying what is happening right now. Most of us end up hurting ourselves with our own expectations of the other person or relationship. Instead, can we enjoy what the relationship IS rather than what we want it to be?
4. It’s totally okay to choose not to participate in cuffing season. If you’re on a self-discovery journey, the winter months can be a perfect time for self-reflection and inner work. Trying to work on yourself while also trying to cultivate a new relationship can feel like a lot. It’s totally okay if you choose to stay single during this time – and it’s totally okay to even casually date during this time. 

Regardless of societal expectations, it’s truly up to you as to whether you want to be partnered up for the season. (And honestly, that goes for any season.)

Remember, when it comes to relationships, there’s literally no rules except the ones you negotiate with a partner. So, just be honest about what you want – even if that changes over time, K?