Smex Ed

The reality of femme-presenting lesbians who don’t “look” lesbian. 

Disclaimer:

Before I dig in, I must note that femme-presenting lesbians are inherently privileged; since people don’t always assume we are gay, we receive much less discrimination in public and in the workforce. I must also say that I support the full LGBQTIA+ flag with all identities. 

It is difficult to define sexuality and gender because they are not meant to be defined. Sexuality and gender are fluid. There are categories, terms, even colloquial phrases that attempt to organize queer people. This pigeon-holing can be harmful to people who want to relate to others in their community but continually find themselves not fitting in the boxes created for them. 

For the sake of this article, some terms are loosely defined below: 

LGBTQAI Terms

Femme is defined as traditionally feminine; a typical femme person prefers to be referred to with she/her pronouns. Femininity is rarely deduced from a person’s hair length or clothing choices, rather it is communicated through their personality and personal identity. Typical traits of a femme person could be bubbly energy, empathy, or a maternal nature. 

Masc (shortened form of the word masculine) refers to a woman who presents traditionally masculine features. Masc traits could include a protective nature, muscular physique, romantic/sexual instigators.

A lesbian is a woman who is sexually/romantically attracted to other women, whereas a bi/bisexual is a person who is sexually/romantically attracted to both women and men. 

Femme presenting lesbians and bisexuals uniquely experience dating since the general public doesn’t assume we are gay or bi. 

The Girls We Want:

We often need to be the instigators in our relationships. Femme lesbians have even come up with signals to indicate that we are interested in women: cuffing our jeans, arm sleeve tattoos, filling up our hands with rings, wearing keys on a carabiner looped to our jeans, the list goes on. 

How does a girl even find out about these indicators?

The best education about the queer community comes from the queer community. If you want to learn about the ways of the gays, I’d suggest listening to podcasts hosted by queer people (my favorite is Two Dykes and a Mic) and books (How To Be A Lesbian by Jenna Wimshurst has great reviews). Following queer creators on social media is one of the best ways to learn more about the community and stay up to date on the trends.

I’ve heard that the statement “I love your style” is a solid method of communicating your queerness, and it has worked for me in the past. My most successful pickup line, in the context of being out at a party or bar, is actually just to sprinkle in the fact that I’m bisexual or that I want to kiss a girl that night – this brings all of the bi-curious, bi, and lesbian girls out to play. This line requires the right setting and crowd, and I’m sure women who live in less queer-friendly places may not be comfortable with this bold approach.

Some women suggest complimenting a woman the way a man would: lower your voice, talk slower, exude confidence, be suave. This approach is meant to differentiate the flirting party from a normal girly saying “you’re pretty.” It’s great we live in a society where it’s very normal for girls to compliment other girls, but when you’re trying to wife a girl up, you’ve gotta find a way to stand out.

The challenge remains: Femme queers, though able to conveniently camouflage as hetero women, sometimes wish we could wear our queerness on our sleeve. If everyone knew I was bi, toxic men who think bisexuality is a red flag for women would stay away and women who are queer and find me attractive would come hither. If people could instantly tell that I am queer, they might grow their understanding of what a queer person could look like. Just telling my peers that I was writing this article confused them because they had no idea I was bisexual. They were flabbergasted that I could be both bisexual and in a relationship with a man. It’s easy to forget that there is still a long way to go in educating the masses, especially when we look at all the great strides queer people have made to this day.

I’m writing this article about wishing dating could be easier and more straightforward. Twenty years ago, I’d be writing an article about hoping I could both date a woman and keep my job. I have heard even this week people use the f-word when referring to homosexuals. There are people in my life and family who do not agree with homosexuality, whatever that means. I needed to go through every single person who follows me on Instagram and block some from my story just so I can promote this article when it comes out. Sometimes, I wish I could wear my queerness on my sleeve. Ultimately, I am privileged that I don’t. 

The Guys We Get:

Bisexual women who are not naturally the instigator in their relationships sometimes find themselves dating men more often than women. It takes guts to go up to someone, put yourself out there, risk rejection. Some ladies simply like being the one who is courted. Girls who would like to be asked out, treated to dinner, given the princess experience, prefer to receive the initial flirtation rather than give it. In many ways, it’s easier to date a man. Hetero relationships are the societal norm, and that becomes painfully apparent when dating a man doesn’t come with a plethora of stressful questions: “Are you ‘out’ to your family?” “Which one of my extended relatives is homophobic again?” “Can we not kiss in front of this store? It’s owned by people of the same nationality as me and I know they won’t be cool with us ☹” 

I myself am not technically out to my family. I told my parents that “I think girls are pretty” when I was in elementary school, middle school, and again in high school. They even received a call from a school counselor when I was about 12 years old trying to help them navigate having a gay child. My parents’ response was…. *drumroll please*…. denial! Each time they scooped me back into the closet, explaining that God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve. 

My last girlfriend was born and raised in the Dominican Republic. She explained on the first date that her family does not know she is a lesbian, and she’s not sure that they ever will – completely understandable from my perspective. On one of our dates I was walking her to her car, we were holding hands, and she stopped. She noticed there was a barber shop with a Dominican flag in the window and told me they would not be okay with us being gay and might have a verbal reaction to us holding hands, so we unlinked. I gave her a kiss at the corner out of sight from the barber shop, and we went our separate ways for the afternoon. 

It’s perplexing to know that there are people in this world who think I shouldn’t exist, I shouldn’t be allowed to feel the way I feel, my attraction to women is morally wrong. From my perspective, lesbian love is beautiful, pure, selfless, all of the great things you normally see in true love.

Being Fetishized

The (hetero) male gaze, although rarely wanted, is ever present for any woman. Hetero men often fetishize femme-lesbians’ natural attraction to women. I can’t count the number of times a hetero female has found out I was bisexual and immediately asked to record us kissing so they could send it to the guy they liked because “he loooves lesbians.” Same, but when did we start asking to make softcore porn with each other off the cuff?? In one of these instances I asked the girl if she would like to keep kissing, she replied “ew gross” and not ten minutes later asked if we could record another video because her guy wanted more. 

I appreciate kinks, but if I’m letting someone know I’m bi, it’s not an invitation to immediately fetishize me and use me as your kink. My sexuality is not your kink. It’s my sexual preference, unwavering and not chosen. 

Being gay was never a decision I made or even something I thought was notable, it just always was, similar to the sound of your voice or your personality traits. I noticed butterflies in my tummy when I saw two girls kissing for the first time. I felt those same butterflies when my female friend surprise-kissed me in middle school. I felt those same butterflies the first time I kissed a boy I liked. I went through my whole childhood thinking everyone felt these feelings. I truly believed every woman was bisexual, if they said they were straight they just hadn’t had their gay awakening yet. It wasn’t until I went to college and met girls who said they tried it and still preferred men that I realized women can be straight. This also reinforced the fact that people don’t choose their sexuality. 

“Are you two sisters?!” 

“Oooh girls night??!” 

“How are we tonight ladies, did y’all leave the men at home for the evening?”

*Picture two brides in wedding dresses* – “Joint wedding? How fun! Where are the grooms?” – This one is just…yikes

The above quotes have all been said to lesbians whilst they are living their life, going on dates, getting married. It’s easy to forget the luxury of heteronormativity: being seen as a couple, not needing to answer countless questions on how you’re going to conceive a child one day, people aren’t trying to guess which one of you is the “man” in the relationship. Women in lesbian couples aren’t just fighting the norm of heterosexual relationships, they’re also fighting stereotypes, preconceived notions, misinformation. 

TW: Mention of SA.

I was told growing up that 98% of women who identified as lesbian were sexually assaulted by a man and they chose to be lesbian because they hate all men. I can’t find that statistic anywhere online, but I do know that 97% of women aged 18-24, according to a UK study, have experienced some sort of assault in their lifetime. This is not an I hate men article so I’ll keep my grievances brief:

Men worry about their hairline receding, women worry about the right to their own body. Men show up to a date wondering if they’re going to have to pick up the whole bill, women wonder if they’re going to make it home alive. Men are our number one predator and the world would have a lot more lesbians in it if people could choose their sexuality. 

I am fortunate enough to live in a city that waves the pride flag and makes me feel safe as a queer individual. There are some places I will not move to because of the culture and their unwillingness to accept gay people’s existence or even womens’ rights. I have some female friends who are mechanical engineers and work as managers at a very well-known company in Mehoopany, Pennsylvania. Let’s just say, you definitely have something produced by this company in your house.

My female friends receive frequent demeaning remarks such as “Why would I listen to a woman?” inappropriate comments such as “Ooh how do you walk on such skinny legs?” as well as racially charged comments that I can not share here. It is a part of the country where people proudly wear and wave the confederate flag. Although I have not explicitly heard their opinion on the LGBTQIA+ community, something inside me thinks they might not agree that Love is Love. Being raised primarily in the Northeast, I didn’t know people still thought and acted like this. Knowing this information, I will forever be very selective with where I live. 

With every challenge we still face, there is an opportunity for growth and learning. Even though there are plenty of people who listen to Fox News, what I like to call hate radio, there are plenty of young adults standing up to their conservative parents trying to educate them. Some conservatives just don’t know many queer people or think they don’t because they have a specific idea of what a queer person looks like. Therefore just being a femme-lesbian or an un-noticeably queer person challenges their restrictive beliefs and acts as a form of protest.

I want to believe if people truly knew more queer people, knew that we come in just as many varieties as straight people, they might change their preconceived notions of us. I only know incredible, kind, intelligent, successful lesbian women: a surgeon, professor, psychologist, minister, I could go on – these women break the mold of negative lesbian stereotypes just by existing. I myself earned three college degrees in four years, a Bachelors of Science in Civil Engineering and Music and a Masters of Engineering in Civil Structural Engineering. Not once have I heard a conservative person describe lesbians as accomplished or people they want their children to look up to. 

Slowly, gay people are receiving more space to be themselves, tell their stories, and simply exist. The opportunity for me to write this article to you is proof that we are advancing as a society towards love and acceptance, and moving away from hate and condemnation. I am grateful for the gay people and allies who came before me and helped form a world in which I feel safe to say I’m bisexual. I hurt for the suffering that gay people have gone through simply because some straight people don’t understand who we are. 

Love is beautiful. Sharing laughter and life with someone you love is the most precious thing in this world. Love is the savior of humanity, and it will bring society closer together. If you’re coming out, know that true love will outshine any differences. You are not alone, you are not broken, you are automatically deserving of love and acceptance simply for existing. You do not need to earn the right to dignity, and if anyone says you do they are trying to manipulate you. Treat everyone with dignity and kindness, including yourself. Speak to yourself the same way you speak to your favorite person, and your whole world will brighten. Never settle for less than true love. There is someone out there who is perfect for you, who wants to love you and treat you well.