Smex Ed

It was towards the end of my shift and I was sitting on the lap of one my favorite patrons in VIP, drawing his attention to my dainty little lacey lingerie. It was a new addition to my collection – a sunny yellow elegant two piece that glowed under the club lights. I laughed delightedly as I teased him, “Now tell me you like this new set as much as I do! You know how much I love anything French and delicate looking.”

His gaze traveled up and down the length of me as I stood up and twirled before him. 

“It is pretty just like all the stuff you wear.” Then he laughed unexpectedly, “But I bet you run around in sweats and granny panties at home”. 

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” This nonsensical statement stopped me mid-twirl. “Did you just ask if I wear my grandma’s underwear?”

I stared at him in confusion wondering if he was having some kind of fit. He leaned forward.

“Have you never heard that before?” He laughed harder. “Oh honey, sit back down and I’ll explain.”

Hesitantly I sat on his knee and learned for the first time about this appalling concept. Granny panties?

For those of you as clueless as I was, Merriam Webster defines granny panties as “women’s underwear having a high waist and low cut legs”. But pop culture and urban dictionaries indicate the term refers to any kind of women’s underwear that is unflattering, uncool, overly traditional, or extremely old-fashioned in their appearance.

As per usual when learning an unfamiliar phrase, I went to the woman who I swear knows everything. She’s my go to person for all important items. Truly a superstar of information – my bestie. She immediately sent me clips from the movie “Bridget Jones’s Diary” in which Renée Zellweger’s character is deciding between a set of “absolutely enormous panties” (as Hugh Grant’s character later dubs them), or “sexy knickers”.

Now I adore Renée Zellweger, and find Hugh Grant to be a somewhat iconic cutie who I wouldn’t turn away if he showed up on my doorstep. So I was fascinated. And slightly repelled as well. How was ugly undies even such a thing that it made it into cinematic history?

In typical me fashion, I began a rather (not so) serious investigation into the matter. For several weeks I polled customers, friends, cashiers at the grocery store, servers in restaurants, and random strangers in the street. I found creative ways to introduce the topic into ANY conversation. Happily I discovered that people LOVED talking about this subject, and had tons to say. Suddenly I had LOTS of MATERIAL to work with in order to form an opinion – pun intended. My phone must have been listening (hello 1984 Big Brother) because suddenly ads were also popping up for “cute full cut briefs” and articles showing “why granny panties are fashion’s latest IT” item.

I shudder at the thought.

I needed to conclude my research fast, or I feared Empress Mimi and Honey Birdette might catch wind and cut me off as a social media follower. Plus the more I learned from my informal polling, and rather gregarious interviewees, the scarier the information was that I uncovered. Apparently “Granny Panties” were not as sweet as the iconic stereotype of the figure they were named after. They had a DARK SIDE…

Take for instance some of the reasons the women I polled confessed to having them in their drawers. Apparently many had been taught that sexy lingerie was ONLY for date night. As though the purpose of putting on something that made a woman feel beautiful was only appropriate when another person was going to see it. 

Another reason that came up multiple times was that this fuller brief was allegedly more comfortable than their (in my opinion) more attractive cousins in the panty family. But when I pressed further, I found that this was because most women are wearing the WRONG size clothing, and purchasing cheaply made scratchy lingerie. Of course something that generally is like wearing a ginormous T-shirt on your crotch is going to feel better than a badly-fitted, poorly-constructed, piece of skimpy fabric. 

Stop what you are doing right now if this is your reason as well. I am sending you on a mission. Go to a lingerie store. Get a little crazy. Touch the items. See what calls your attention. And try it on in MULTIPLE sizes. A size small in one line, may fit. While a size large in another will be your new go to. (Who cares? Cut the label out if it bothers you that much.) But take the time to actually get to know what makes you feel vibrant and radiant when pared down to your skivvies. I promise you’ll thank me for it later.

The third reason that popped up in my conversations literally broke my heart. I mean I cried big crocodile tears as I listened to one woman tell me the same story I heard over and over again. Grab your tissues because…no matter the details, the crux was that she JUST. DIDN’T. CARE. ANYMORE. Feeling attractive in her skin didn’t matter because she was no longer in her (early) twenties..

Wow.

Let that sink in for a moment and perhaps you too will understand why I truly began to hate the concept of granny panties the more I looked into the subject. What started out as an innocent and somewhat fun investigation into a topic, had turned into my own personal nightmare.

Would I one day wake up disillusioned with my body, no longer feeling attractive, and reach for a pair of ratty, ill-fitting, underwear because I didn’t feel like I was worthy of self care and love?

To balance out my research, I began polling the men in my life as well. A friend of mine told me that his wife had taken to wearing granny panties around their home, and she didn’t even like them! She constantly complained about wedgies, and even made fun of herself when she wore them. “I don’t get it,” he confided. “She’s gorgeous and yet no longer seems to care about how she dresses!” 

I was surprised to hear about this because I had always considered her to be quite stylish. He seemed at a loss too, but didn’t know how to bring it up. He was afraid if he said something he would sound critical. And he didn’t know what had changed for her, to make her suddenly no longer care about her appearance.

Another man I questioned confessed that he had a version of “granny panties” too. “Go on,” I encouraged rather fascinated thinking I uncovered a new crossdressing fetish. Alas, it was less interesting, but also rather disturbing to my sense of aesthetics. 

“Well, I have a several pairs of old boxer briefs that have holes and are stretched out that I keep and still wear.” Did he like them? “Actually no, and I wouldn’t ever let a date see me in them,” he chuckled. So why would he keep them? He confessed that – like the women I polled – he had not seen value in wearing something nice when it was just him around the house.

Perhaps you are still not convinced by these reasons that “granny panties” are a serious issue. And you may be wondering why you are reading about this topic at all. But I would proffer that there is a much more sinister idea still brewing under the surface. 

In the simplest of terms, when we view ourselves as worthy, we take time and care to treat ourselves as of value. We eat better, prioritize activities that we enjoy, and surround ourselves with people who also see us as important to this world. 

But when we devalue ourselves, we allow our self-worth to be determined by external factors.  So if we are presenting ourselves consciously as though unattractive, are we creating self-fulfilling prophecies in which we get rejected by the world at large?

Hmmm….So what do you think of granny panties now? Not such innocuous large pieces of fabric…right?

In fairness, I did run into a few women who loved the fuller, higher fits. But I would argue that their “granny panties” were anything but. Because when they showed me their collections, I saw an array of luxurious fabrics in lovely colors carefully folded and lovingly worn. These weren’t the granny panties of urban legend, but rather sumptuous undergarments treasured for the way they hugged these women’s curves. And that was sexyAF.

In the interest of broadening my own horizons, I tried on a few pairs of these gorgeous garments only to find that the style didn’t suit my particular tastes of what I enjoy wearing. But I certainly could appreciate this version of intimates as opposed to the ridiculous idea of undies that started this piece.

My conclusion is that the urban concept of granny panties – in which people throw on unattractive undergarments because they don’t value themselves anymore – is VERY DIFFERENT than the original Merriam Webster definition. Because if a high waisted fuller cut of anything suits you and makes you feel divine, then I am all for you wearing it and parading around proudly celebrating your body and your essence to the highest.

As for me, with Christmas around the corner, you won’t find me adding granny panties to my present list. I’ll stick with my little French lacey looks, please and thank you to any sugar daddies reading this piece. But if the thought of something a bit more traditional rocks your world, well, I’ve heard Santa is a fan and you just might end up on his iconic naughty list.