Smex Ed

“What’s your favorite four letter word?”

The guy at the party grinned at me as he lurched a little too close, practically spilling his drink down my shirt. I leaned back slightly. 

“Sexy,” I replied without hesitation. I grinned mischievously. “And anyone can be it.”

He smirked. “So not true. Do you really think you can make anyone sexy?”

“I can,” I replied. In my head adding “Even you.” Not the nicest thought perhaps. But a testament to my belief that we can transform into the best versions of ourselves no matter what we start with. 

And you, my darlin readers, are about to prove me right. Even if you’re not feeling that vibe at the moment.

The sexiest person I’ve ever seen was a complete stranger to me. I had been sitting at a random cafe in Rome when she strolled by. She exuded appeal. Walking confidently, shoulders back, hair streaming in the wind. 

She must have been at least 60, and she carried herself with ease and grace. As she paused to determine whether she would come into the cafe where I was, I noticed heads turning admiringly to watch her. Of both men AND women.

“Wow,” I thought as a much younger man passed her, looked her up and down, and gave a little wink. I want to be like her. 

Here in the States, we often confuse sexy with a cliched stereotypical image of a very young woman wearing something low cut on top, high cut on the bottom, and overly made up. Ask AI images to produce “sexy” and it will create a caricature of a bleached blonde, voluptuous due to enhancements, and heavily filtered, 20 year old.

But this Italian woman had a simple elegance to her. She was dressed casually, not much make up – if at all – and wasn’t trying to catch anyone’s attention. She existed as she was, and I wondered if it even registered in her mind quite how beautiful she appeared.

It’s easy to confuse “sexy” with a particular look relegated to the young, very fit, cosmetically identical to whatever facial trend is deemed attractive at the time, person. Women though aren’t the only ones duped by this line of thinking.

Men too are often pushed to meet a certain aesthetic. Romance covers depict the ideal alpha with abs bared, glistening slightly sweaty skin from the gym, and the mere hint of a five o’clock shadow on their face as they hoist their love interest into their arms. And let’s not forget the full head of hair.

Yet one of the sexiest men I ever met was when I was barely 19. He was nearly 20 years older than me, prematurely bald, and had a hawkish nose. He wore thick glasses, and dressed primarily in classic rock band T-shirts and baggy cargo pants. 

But heads turned when he strode by as well and not just mine. He had something about him that made women want to have him carry us off into the sunset – or at least to his bed for an hour or two. He wasn’t overly cocky or self-assured. But one sensed that he knew who he was, and liked himself. 

However it would be remiss to define sexy as a state confined solely to the bedroom either. Because it’s so much more than that. It’s a way of being that carries us through our day with confidence, can affect the decisions we make both professionally and personally, and can literally transform our ordinary moments into extraordinary experiences. 

So why isn’t more of the population desirous of achieving this feeling?

Since the pan-DAMN-it-sucked-ic occurred, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend. It started during the holidays of 2020, when I couldn’t find a red dress. At Christmas. In Fashion Island mall,  Newport Beach, California. One of the largest and trendiest shopping areas in the OC. I was flabbergasted at the lack of holiday looks.

o finally, at my wits end, I asked the salesclerk, where were all the pretty clothes? She shrugged and said “no one feels like being attractive anymore I guess…”

The fashionista in me nearly had a nervous breakdown. But I chalked it up to quarantine’s “Netflix-and-chill-while-sanitizing-with-your-pod-people” vibes, and figured the world would right itself soon. 

Only it didn’t. And here we are four years later, and I look around to see people have still given up on feeling good in their skin. Even worse, the ones who yearn for that vibe are falling prey to feel better quick ads which promise that if you buy this cream, eat this diet, or wear this look, you’ll be the hottest thing since sliced bread.

But if all it takes is the latest and greatest fad product to fix us, why is it that people seem to feel more depressed, less in touch with their attractiveness, and hopelessly despairing of ever knowing their worth? 

And for those who haven’t felt it in a long time, how do we find this version of ourselves again?

Well hold onto your hats kids, because it’s time we brought the idea of SEXY BACK and I’m going to tell you exactly how to do it.

STEP 1 – OWN WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW

Maybe you’re thinking you’ll feel sexy when…

You lose 10 lbs.

You erase the lines on your face.

You find the right person to notice you romantically.

But the first rule of being sexy is for YOU to appreciate you. As you are. In this moment of reality.

So it’s time to get naked with your fabulous self. Strip down, find a full length mirror (with current public decency prudishness, I would suggest it be in your home and not out in public) ,and get to flirting with your gorgeous reflection.

Those extra curves you’re bemoaning? They are hot. Give yourself a little caress and say “more cushion for the pushin”. 

Those lines on your face you were thinking about freezing? Skip the Botox and recognize you got them from a lifetime of smiling. 

And that partner you were hoping to meet for validation? Well I’m here to tell you, its not about pleasing him, her, or them. Because to paraphrase Julia Roberts’ character in “Eat Pray Love”, has anyone ever kicked you out of the bedroom when you got naked for them? 

Not a chance. They were grateful you were there, and it’s time you treated yourself with that same reverence too.

STEP 2 – CAN THE “I CAN’Ts”

Sexy is a state of mind. Your mind. But if you argue for your limits, you get to keep them. So it’s time you advocated for yourself.

No more “I can’t” wear that for the look you want. Tell the sales girl to get you the RIGHT size for you, and put it on. Saunter around the fitting room. Then buy it. Dress to please yourself.

Stop saying “I can’t” when it comes to your dreams. Confidence is sexy. Believing in yourself is sexy. Taking a chance on YOU is sexy. 

So start speaking words of affirmation to yourself every single day. Preferably as you look at your naked beautiful body in the mirror during step one.

I can get that job I want.

I can be fit and healthy.

I can enjoy my day.

I can achieve my dreams.

STEP 3 – MAKE YOUR PLEASURE A PRIORITY

Although sexy is much more than a feeling confined to the bedroom, you will never feel sexy if you don’t know what you like. Or if you feel guilty giving it to yourself. There’s a reason I had you get naked in step one and get your flirt on with the vision staring back at you in the mirror. 

It’s time you got a little naughty. Set yourself a mood, turn down the lights, grab a glass of wine if you like (although a heavenly hot cocoa gets me going way more) and start exploring what touch turns YOU on.

While alone. Before you invite a playmate to join you. Because the only way to receive, is to know what to ask for.

STEP 4 – ENGAGE YOUR SENSES

The feeling of sexy is so much more than just a fun romp on a mattress. (Although I will admit that sounds lovely.) It permeates every part of life. Think about it for a moment.

How many times have you caught a whiff of a cologne and it sends you back ten years to that hot make-out session you had with the bartender at closing time? 

Or you bit into a perfect strawberry, the ultimate cheese pizza, or that first sip of coffee in the morning and just thought “yessssss”. Orgasmic right?

So if you want to feel it, you have to cultivate it in ALL your moments. And be brutal about accepting no less than sheer bliss.

This means throw into the giveaway pile that scratchy sweater your great aunt got you for Christmas two years ago. Because no one feels hotAF in uncomfortable fabrics. Do luxuriate in putting on those silky lounging pants for the trip to the grocery store, and saunter through the aisles.

Pause to eat your meals and actually taste them instead of grabbing and stuffing your face in the car. Smell the roses at Trader Joes.  Notice the colors and textures of life around you – even when running errands. 

When you engage with life instead of rushing through it, you start to feel more alive. And that’s hot.

STEP 5 – VALUE YOURSELF

Have you heard the saying “garbage in, garbage out”? When you treat yourself as the lowest of the low, you will feel about as sexy as a discarded tissue dissolving in a puddle on the street. So actually care about what you consume, and not just your food. 

(Although that’s a good place to start. Because no one feels attractive after shoveling a bunch of crap, that doesn’t have recognizable ingredients, into your mouth. Being bloated on the couch is not a good look for any of us.)

Be mindful of the things you read, the ideas you embrace, AND the people you spend time with. The weight you really have to lose may not be the extra ten pounds you carry on that gorgeous frame of yours, but the 150 lb toxic human who puts you down for having it. 

Surround yourself with people who lift you up, and remind you of your worth for those inevitable moments when you forget. Because we all have them.

So as we begin 2024, understand that one of the most powerful things you can do to have a great year isn’t going on a crazy diet, committing to an insane regimen of exercise, or purchasing the latest and greatest “whatever” that promises you will suddenly dazzle the world.

Nope, it’s none of those things.

It’s recognizing that you matter enough to care for, and treasuring yourself like the gift you are. Now that’s sexy.