Smex Ed

What if I told you that a CEO of a multi-billion dollar company gets tied up and flogged once a week? 

The wholesome family man, a community pillar who shovels their neighbors driveway every snowfall- likes to get his face sat on while being called pathetic and unworthy. 

The financial advisor, so strict with his budget proposals, managing everyone else’s money is used as a human ATM to finance elaborate trips he doesn’t even get to go on.  

That the men society would label “strong” “logical” “successful”,  all the terms you would associate with masculinity,  are in fact submissive’s in BDSM.  

Surprised? 

I get it, the stigma behind being a male interested in submissive play is strong- if you ask someone what comes to mind when they picture a submissive male, you’ll likely receive descriptions rife with negative connotations- the characteristics of “weak”, or “unmasculine”, or “beta-male” are a common-place assumption and certainly goes against what many would consider to be masculine, or not what a “real man” or “alpha male” would engage in. 

And yet, the BDSM world is littered with submissive men who, in their everyday lives, represent the epitome of what society deems as masculine. Why do these men participate in a role that is completely opposite of their identity in “the real world”? That’s exactly what we are here to explore, but first, let’s dive into exactly what the dominant/submissive dynamic actually is.

THE DOMINANT/SUBMISSIVE DYNAMIC

The Dominant / Submissive (D/S) dynamic is, in short, a power exchange. The Dominant, or Domme / Dominatrix /Top, exerts control, while the submissive, or sub / bottom / slave, happily relinquishes it. 

Together they work on creating a safe environment that allows the submissive to release control and experience a unique release tailored to their specific desire. A common misconception in the dynamic is that there is always a sexual release involved, when that is not the case. Whatever the end goal is, the D/s discuss it in detail to ensure that the submissive involved receives the liberation they need.

The D/S dynamic is one of many within the universe of BDSM, a catch-all acronym that covers a spectrum of macro kink(s) such as bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism. You’ll find that within each area, there exists a multitude of expressions. 

For submissives alone, there are a multitude of mediums: from service subs who take pleasure performing tasks for the benefit of their domme, to degradation and / or  humiliation subs who love to be reduced in stature or want to experience mortification, or submissives who love physical pain or punishment from their top. 

BEING NOT MAN ENOUGH:

While you might be interested in dipping your toes in the realm of kink, you may feel overwhelmed with information or not know where to begin, and perhaps you’re repressing your innate desires because you feel shame, that it may change your identity, or that you may be found out as a “pervert” or “sexual deviant”, or that it makes you “less of a man”. 

Men are conditioned to fit the qualities of the alpha male- repress your feelings, be a leader, be self-sufficient, take care of your family and community, never show weakness, and instead of giving up control, take it.

These limitations on the male emotional spectrum can quickly become toxic, making men feel that if they express any other emotion than anger, they are “weak”, “emotional”, “a pussy” causing men to feel isolated from themselves, their families, and their gender as a whole.  

No wonder so many men feel the need to hide their submissive tendencies from the world, but what people fail to realize is that exploring your kink not only offers a therapeutic break from your everyday engagements (stress, pressure, decision making), it is more common than you might think! 

According to Psychology Today, in one study, 30% of people surveyed have tried spanking during sex and nearly 25% had tried dominant / submissive role play. In addition, 47% of adults in another study reported experimenting with at least one aspect of BDSM. For men, specifically, some studies have affirmed that more men than women report engaging in BDSM, despite the social stigma causing some men to potentially not be truthful in their responses.

Those that engage in BDSM practices are actually mentally healthier for it, as studies show greater subjective well-being in comparison to those who don’t engage in their kink. Abstaining yourself to explore an area that piques your interest is a pressure cooker waiting to explode. For years, I’ve personally repressed my kink, especially as a young adult. I still to this day grieve the lost time, opportunity, and experiences I could have had earlier in my life, and I regret not giving myself the chance to find my solace earlier in my life. 

 Submissive play is an escape, a pressure release that provides a complete  surrender of control, a release of power, providing a ying to your everyday yang, a counterbalance to the pressures a man is under, and what accomplishments they are striving for. We all have our secrets, or private compartments in our personal life that we keep and maintain for our own pleasure, it’s just that many men share the same one: we like to be knocked down a peg, challenged mentally and / or physically, and given an additional avenue in our lives that provides purpose, strength, and confidence through the leadership of and submission to our Dommes. 

MY CHOICE TO BE A SUB

My day-to-day regular life is very fulfilling; I receive praise & respect for my craft, I manage over 200+ clients & employees to succeed at my company, and I have a very loving & supportive family to come home to every single day. As the rock to my family, and the leader of my organization, I am often seen as hard-working, uncompromising, and a top professional in my field, all while being perceived as prototypically masculine.

Sometimes, I need to be seen in a different way.

Through exploring and establishing my constellation of kink(s) for the last three years, I’ve found catharsis in being  treated as the exact opposite of my everyday life. Degraded, bullied,  and psychologically tormented. I am what you would call a  “cerebral submissive”, in short, imagine your therapist just decided to use you for her entertainment, and your humiliation. It involves turning faults, views, and insecurities on their heads to make me question my worth & reality in a safe, controlled, and of course, private environment. 

These sessions can be as challenging as they are rewarding. I have to be emotionally and physically vulnerable, whether it’s through verbalizing the thoughts, inklings, and preferences that have only ever previously lived in my own head, or maintaining eye contact with my domme as I willfully give the ammunition that would later penetrate the center of my soul, and doing every single act my domme prompts me to do without hesitancy, whether it’s stripping down fully naked as she is fully clothed continuing a casual conversation, to kneeling as she explains exactly how unworthy and pathetic I am, to being extraordinarily thankful for a morsel of opportunity to worship her dirty socks as she watches, laughs, and asks me to describe how it smells and tastes. 

I am pulled directly into the present, which can be difficult for a lot of men who may prefer to live their life ten steps ahead, and take the now for granted. It is similar to what a sky-diver experiences for the first time they jump out of a plane- the identity, expectation, and pressure of your professional, personal, and social life melt away, time flies by and stands still at the same time, and you’re experiencing a full break from the life you’ve built, and all that is in front of you is what’s left of you, and what is left of me after a session is a renewed focus, a full tank of gas to push forward with my work, and a rejuvenated sense of gratitude for the pillars in my life. 

TRAUMA WORK THROUGH BDSM

Some, like myself, utilize BDSM as a way to successfully work through their traumas. 

 In the earlier years of my developing life, I was raised in a very strict household, always working tirelessly to be better while also never being good enough to the high standard I was always expected to surpass. I was light on the praise & recognition, and served heavily with feelings of inadequacy. I struggled with establishing relationships with the opposite sex, and was heavily bullied for a large duration of my life. Through multiple mediums, I was made to believe I was an underachiever, a nobody, and someone who deserved to be treated this way. 

This developed a fuel that burned so purely that it rocketed me to achieve excellence in academic, professional, and social areas. I needed to prove everyone wrong, and I needed to put myself in a position of strength and growth to get away from those who didn’t believe in me or hurt me. 

After years of therapy, coming to terms with my past, and building the life I found peace and happiness with, I realized that I was no longer as motivated, as driven, or as intense in my pursuits. I grew too comfortable in my healing process, and life, as good as it was, was starting to feel flaccid. 

I realized that I didn’t necessarily need my pain to stop, but rather, make it work for me. I needed to be reminded that despite my accomplishments, I could do better, be better, and was able to rekindle that feeling on my own terms through kink play. 

THE SECRECY OF THE SUB

It is understandable to feel uneasy about being your most vulnerable, kinky self over concerns regarding privacy and safety. Remember that professional Dommes operate in a world of strong ethics, discretion, and care towards their submissives, regardless of how twisted your session can get. Even with blackmail or exposure kinks, lines may be blurred (on purpose), but never crossed to the point where it negatively impacts the life that you built for yourself as a man. Remember, it is a normal sexual expression, it’s prevalent, it’s beneficial, but it is also a world largely explored privately.

You may be wondering- “if you enjoy being a submissive male so much, what’s the harm in others in your life knowing that as common knowledge? Wouldn’t it amplify the enjoyment and affect?

While submissive men can differ in preference or practice of our kink, the majority of us are concerned about our privacy, and sometimes find ourselves wallowing in an incredibly anxious state, as we play through worst case scenarios as theater inside our worried minds: what would we do if our friends found out? How do we explain this to our co-workers? How much does this negatively impact my reputation, relationships, and standing in the world? 

Personally, it would reduce me to an ashamed & embarrassed shell of my identity. Not because I personally did anything wrong, but because I’d be wrongfully judged, kink-shamed, and placed as a centerpiece of amusement on display for an audience of those who would both privately & publicly place hurtful, misinformed stereotypes & tropes on my identity. It would negatively trigger my prior traumas of being bullied, treated like an outcast, and erase all of the healing progress I’ve earned for myself.

Sounds like the makings of a great session with my Domme, but in reality, I care deeply about my public perception, what people think of me, and protecting myself and those closest to me from that backlash. It is because I exert control over my life that drives the need to experience that lack of control; one life feeds the other, and mixing the two together would prove to be an oil & water pairing.

What is important is that we sovereignly own our own narrative and perceptions, and we get to choose when, where, and how we are seen.

As much as submissive play is about relinquishing control, you must first intimately know and understand control to ultimately appreciate the loss of it. As much as we need to feel humiliated, abused, and objectified, we also need to feel understood, valued, and empowered. While the latter sentiments are reinforced during aftercare as a rebuilding of our psyche, they also must be abundantly present in our vanilla lifestyle, which serves as a prerequisite for us to engage in our kink. 

Although we enjoy our privacy, we do sometimes discretely signal that we’re kink-positive- that one submissive account we follow on social media, buried like a needle in the haystack, to that one time your friend described a kink he just heard about and you showed a deeper knowledge in that area than assumed. We play with fire close enough to feel, and appreciate, the heat, but nobody wants to get burned. 

We put out the smallest of feelers to engage with the kink-positive in our lives that we can feel our whole selves with, those who accept and resonate with our choice to pursue a balance between kink & vanilla lifestyles. For example, if it wasn’t for the chances I took, I wouldn’t have had the tremendous opportunity to present this article your way. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to play with amazing people in the space / lifestyle, and I have an outlet that’s maybe a little more exciting and fulfilling than collecting stamps or coins, or whatever hyper-masculine men tend to do with their free time. 

While the stigma is wrong, it still exists in our culture that men need to operate in a specific way, that “real men” can’t stray too far from the small box society wants us to be in, and it’s scary as fuck to put yourself out there, take a risk, and try something as novel as BDSM play, especially with fears of judgment and / or being outed as understandable concerns. 

What is masculine is to work hard to curate the life and experiences you want for yourself, to be perceived in the way you’d like to be seen in your professional, personal, and social life.

BDSM serves as an escape hatch to your day to day, that can provide moments of intense emotional & physical release, real purpose and validity in the service and experience of your Domme, and often represents a large challenge or struggle that we as men can harness to learn about ourselves, work through our traumas, and serve as a positive, healthy outlet to express our emotions and vulnerabilities in a safe, albeit deliciously depraved, private corner of your life.