Smex Ed

A look into how getting down to business may be ruining your sex life

The wasabi incident should have provided me with a clue of what was to come. I was on a first date with a man who looked like he had been chiseled out of marble, and flashed dimples when he smiled. Looking like a blonde haired, blue eyed Adonis, we made a striking pair, and many heads had turned when we walked into my favorite sushi place.

He had never tried sushi – an almost unheard of phenomenon among the LA club set. So I figured it would be fun to introduce him to the experience. This particular place was known for being authentic. Which meant the wasabi was HOT.

“What is this? Japanese guacamole?” He laughed charmingly, picking it up between his fingers after clumsily playing with his chopsticks. I quickly explained how to use it and warned him that a little would go a LONG way. 

He made a face. “You’re probably exaggerating since it’s my first time,” he exclaimed. And then, before I could stop him, he popped the whole thing into his mouth. 

Now when I mentioned that he looked like he was chiseled from marble, I wasn’t just referring to his abs (as nice as they were). My date was fair skin, as in white white white white white – a few moments in California sun would burn the boy. But he quickly turned a violent shade of red as he realized he had literally bit off more than he could chew.

Sigh. The fact that he hadn’t listened to my words, really should have been a red flag. But when he finally recovered from his choking and sputtering, we were having a fairly decent time. He was pretty sexy. And a great kisser. Plus I was barely 20, and still stuck in “OMG physical attraction is key” mode. 

So I took him home to play. Things started off way better than dinner. He was attentive, and sensual at first. I was in my element. Until we got down to the main event. And then this handsome hunny went from sexy playboy to jackhammer in 3.5 seconds flat.

I literally pushed him off me. “What the hell was that?” I asked. While I was far from being a virgin, and had enjoyed some rough play with past partners, I also had never experienced this type of pounding. It wasn’t pleasurable.

He seemed confused, but apologized for being too “hardcore”. And we started again. Yet once more, he IMMEDIATELY seemed to mix up intercourse itself with trying to pound a hole into pavement. Only I wasn’t a road needing to be laid. 

Apparently my date and I were not on the same page. So I did the one thing that made sense to me. I thanked him for dinner, and asked him to leave.

Looking back, I’ve had a few giggles at this memory. And I don’t regret at all ending the date. If anything, hindsight has allowed me to pick up on subtle indicators that we were not destined for a great romp in the bedroom. Throughout the evening he had been dismissive several times of things I said, or insisting that he knew better. 

But I’m grateful for the experience. Because since then, I’ve learned lots of ways to better communicate with partners, so that we BOTH have a fabulous time together. And if you, like me, really really ADORE being a sexual human, then these tips will help you and your lover(s) get fully immersed in pleasuring one another.

Tip 1 – SHARE YOUR FANTASIES

We all have fantasies about what we like. But in conversations with friends, patrons, and colleagues, I’ve found that most never tell their partners about them. One of the people I chatted with on this topic actually said “well we’ve been together so long, he should just know what I like.”

Wait what? Darlin, the last I checked 99.9% of the population are not mindreaders. And if you never let your mate in on what visions are swimming around your head, they will likely never guess.

Ironically it appears that many people would prefer getting naked to baring their innermost thoughts. Yet with the brain being your BIGGEST sex organ (yep you heard me), by not giving your partner any insight into your desires, you’re limiting the possibility of them ever getting fulfilled.

It is true, that sharing your fantasies does come with a risk of your partner not being interested in the same thing, or even in exploring it. But wouldn’t you rather know that sooner rather than later? Because a lifetime of hoping your lover will get a clue, doesn’t seem like much fun. 

Recently I was texted by one of my favorite playmates. He told me how he thought of me in the shower while traveling. (We have had some wild shower moments together.) And that one text got me thinking. A lot. About him.

Naturally, we made plans to see each other that week. The night he came over though, I had been shooting content for several hours. (For those new to me, I am an adult entertainer who has done live shows as well as online content.) 

I was definitely IN the mood after hours of creating racy pictures and videos, but not quite ready for our shower experience. So after kissing hello, I let him know that I was still up for the wet and wild playtime, but I had a little fantasy of my own to get us started.

And I described it. In great detail. All while watching his face light up. Needless to say, we had a blast that night. And when we finally did fulfill his soapy adventure, we stayed under the hot water chatting about why things felt so good when we were together. 

“Sex is fun!” I suddenly screamed loudly. (My neighbors must love me.) And he laughed. But then he commented “it is because we tell each other what we want. So it’s just easy to be together.” 

And there you have it. Out of the mouth of a babe. Which makes this all sound so easy…right? But this cutie and I have built up a rapport and trust over a series of interactions. So you might be wondering what to do when you are new to one another? 

Tip 2 – YOU DON’T HAVE TO SETTLE FOR BAD SEX

Raise your hand (mine is already up in the air) if you have ever had a not so fabulous first experience with someone. Keep your hand raised if – because you never had open communication with this person – you KEPT having blah sex throughout the relationship.

And perhaps (like me), you didn’t want to say anything about your wants, needs, or desires, because you didn’t want to hurt their feelings later . After all, you cared about this person.

Or maybe so much time had passed that you didn’t feel comfortable mentioning that sex sucked even though everything else was great.

Regardless of the reason, you never said a word the first time, and so here you are trying to convince yourself that boring humdrum sex is the norm. (It sooooo doesn’t have to be.)

No one should have to settle for mediocrity in the bedroom. Therefore I’m going to let you in on a secret I wish someone had told me long ago. A truth so powerful that when I finally realized, it  virtually eliminated the nervousness of speaking up during ANY initial encounter. It’s simply this:

You and the person you are about to engage with are literally in the same boat (or bed if you will). 

Think about this idea for a moment.

The first time you have sex with someone, they are just as nervous and excited as you are. And just as you have NO INKLING what THEY like, they have NO IDEA what YOU like. Thus we have two beautifully clueless people really hyped about getting together, and hoping that they figure it out well enough to maybe get a repeat experience.

So someone needs to say something right? 

The really cool thing is that this doesn’t have to be a solely verbal conversation if you are too shy to SAY what you like. Some ways to get the message across from the very first time include:

• Guiding their hand or mouth to where you want it in that moment
• Changing positions to something you prefer
• “Accidentally” leaving a toy you enjoy visible (this works well if you suspect that the night will end up at your place)
• Pausing if things aren’t feeling right by suggesting a water break so that you can take a moment to regroup and see what you might need (“I want to keep going but I’m so thirsty. Let’s stop for a second.”)
• Initiating what you want on them, as people often mirror their partner’s motions (I love being kissed all over so will often do this to my partners. I’ve only had one partner not catch on to do this back!)

Tip 3 – A PICTURE SAYS A THOUSAND WORDS

Now at this point you might be thinking “That’s great if you’re a talker, but what if I am not comfortable saying what I want out loud?”

I hear you, and I’ve got a plan for you to get your desires across loud and clear. (Or quietly clear as it were.) 

Communication doesn’t have to be with actual words. As a matter of fact, over 60% of the world communicates daily on social media in pictures. And before you get all sketch thinking I’m suggesting nudies and dick pics with your partner (which could be fun, but also bring up anxiety on taking them), I’ve got a much more elegant idea.

Tell your partner, that you are going to send them ideas for a date, an outing, or an evening in. And then send photos that reflect what you want for the evening, or set the stage for what you want to happen. 

For example, wanting a little sizzle with toys? Lay them out on the bedsheets and snap a pic. Hit send.

Think the two of you should start with a bath? Snap a photo of the tub with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

Want to get a bit crazy with your favorite multi partner crew? Lay out a game of Twister, a bottle of massage oil, and scatter undergarments around the edge of the playing area to hint that clothing is optional.

Notice how you never need to appear in any of these photos. Yet they all will get your message across. 

And if you really want to spice it up, you can send a multi-pictorial set of texts over a period of a few hours to let the anticipation build. One of my favorite message series came from an ex who sent a stick figure pic of a girl and typed “You”. The next text was a stick figure of a boy and it said “Me”. The third pic was of the ocean with a full moon. And the last picture was of a sign that said “clothing optional”. He took me skinny dipping that night.

Tip 4 – KISS (Keep it Simple Sexy)

Whether you are a male, female, fluid, nonbinary, etc, chances are if you are at all sexually active, you’ve had that awkward moment when everything was going right, oh yes please, keep going, until…it wasn’t.

Maybe you were in sync and – like my wasabi chomping date – suddenly you were out of rhythm like a bad lip-syncing boy band. Or perhaps everything seemed tender and loving, and then they are whipping out the BDSM gear, while you’re expecting rose petals and Harry Connick Jr to be playing in the background.

Or even more subtly, you liked what they were doing and then they switched gears before you were ready for them to. What do you do?

Sadly when I posed this question to a group recently, the response overwhelmingly was “just get it over with”, or “fake an orgasm so we can be done already” as though it was a bad experience one had to power through. One might shake their head and sigh thinking “Well it’s not unusual for women to have to fake it.”

Only I wasn’t talking with women at the time. This was a group of men. And sadly, it’s just as hard for them to ask for what they want, as it is for anyone else.

One of the guys in the group commented “I let her keep bouncing up and down until she seemed through, even though it did nothing for me – it actually kinda hurt – because I didn’t want to be rude.” Ouch.

So without making a big fuss, how do you still successfully communicate so everyone enjoys. Here’s four words/phrases that work amazingly:

Yes

No

More please

Would you… (usually accompanied by a gesture or guiding a hand or mouth)

Believe it or not, the majority of the people I spoke with, of all genders, were totally open to getting some feedback from their partner(s). The overwhelming consensus was that they wanted to know what the other person desired or liked. So very simple language keeps things in the moment, yet is extremely effective in getting the point across.

As a matter of fact, there’s a name for this type of communication. It’s called “positive redirection”. And it’s meant to encourage the experience to have a happy ending for everyone.

And speaking of endings…

Tip 5 – FOCUS LESS ON THE BIG FINISH

I gotta admit, I love being a girl. Ladies, it’s time to strut a bit, because we can have over 12 types of orgasms. (Cue the Oprah emoji screaming “YEEEEESSSS!”) 

But don’t get jealous, boys.  I recently found out that men also can experience different kinds  of orgasms as well. Current science argues for between 2 to 6 types for you. But I digress.

The point is, as much as I love crossing the finishing line in a shuddering, sweaty, hot mess, the process of getting there is just as much fun. But only if the one(s) I’m with, and I, are able to get on the same page for that particular passion play. So I’ve learned to take the pressure away from the final “explosion” and redirect our energies into each other’s pleasure.

Perhaps you’ve heard the saying that the reason we have two ears and one mouth is to listen more and talk less. Translate that into the bedroom experience and it means, pay attention to the person you are with. Notice what they like, and offer to respond with more of it if you are enjoying it too.

Actually this is even more important than society has led us to believe. Because 9 times out of 10, when we see articles about how to have better sex, they focus on the final part of the act itself. Someone penetrates someone else and then you’re done. 

However sex is more than just intercourse. There’s a whole menu of sexual experiences that one can enjoy before AND after the clinically defined act itself.

Foreplay, for example, is one of my favorite pleasures. And it engages all the senses. Try leaving sexy voice or text messages for one another. Wear something that shows off a body part that your partner (OR simply you) feel is sexy. Turn on music and slow dance while making out. Blindfold your partner, and feed them chocolate. Cool one another down if things get heated too quickly with a solitary ice cube trailed down the body. (Following the watery trail with your mouth is a lovely way to heat right back up!)

And the so-called “big finish” doesn’t have to end the fun either. Bring a favorite snack or drink to refuel you back to bed, and snuggle in for a movie date. Lead one another to the showers and lather up. (You may end up starting things all over again.) Grab some massage oil and enjoy how sensitive you both are to touch after bringing each other pleasure.

The possibilities are literally endless as to how we can enjoy our partners.

Society likes to tell us that we get “turned on”, in order to “get off”. But last I checked, humans aren’t light switches. So if we focus our energies into paying attention to one another, and how we can share pleasure with one another, there’s no limits to how much enjoyment we can get out of a romp between the sheets.