There’s something about Valentine’s Day that I really enjoy…actually the whole month of February is one of my favorite months. Ironically enough my husband and I don’t celebrate it. My love for Valentine’s day has nothing to do with candy, flowers or grand romantic gestures.
Brace yourself for the disgust you’ll feel after reading this but my husband is really good at making me feel loved every day. I know…I can feel your eyes roll from here. However, it’s true. My love for valentine’s day has nothing to do with the traditions but everything to do with the changes in scenery. It’s the first hope of Spring that I notice.
To quote Queen Bey society tends to “paint the world pussy pink” this time of year. There’s pink decor, fresh flowers and red hearts everywhere you look which is the pagan symbol for “the frozen hellscape that is seasonal depression is almost over”. It’s a refreshing pop of vibrant color after the month long blizzard that is the month of January.
To me, it feels like mother nature threw us a life preserve to rest our weary heads on for a while so that we have the mental strength to power through the last few weeks of winter. Am I dramatic about winter? Maybe, but I am a born and raised southerner so I feel like I get a pass.
To others it’s a time to celebrate love, lust, sex or whatever it is that makes you feel connected to your person or people. This year, I have a toddler who will get smothered with valentines from me because I’m looking forward to celebrating that mama love. My husband will get…the opportunity to be my science experiment. Lucky him. Don’t worry, I’ll explain.
Working in women’s health, I am most often faced with the question “where has my libido gone?” In order to celebrate Valentine’s day with the good ole fashion way (to quote Cher Horowitz) “a good healthy boink fest” one must have a sex drive. Of course there are different medical reasons that the female libido can be lower or higher such as ovulation, menopause, depression or sexual trauma all of which each have their own treatments.
I wanted to explore the history and facts behind aphrodisiacs with a little experiment of my own. In the absence of medical conditions, do these old wives tales, tinctures and foods actually work? Being pregnant my ability to ingest many of these concoctions was off the table (think of me fondly if you indulge in oysters this Valentine’s day). All of these supplements that are pushed through sex shops and online websites fall outside of the jurisdiction for FDA or DEA approval or testing.
Therefore, I am not willing to pop one of these gas station “sex pills” available at the checkout counter next to the lottery tickets. Honestly, that might just be a Louisiana thing but I swear it’s really a thing. Your liver and kidneys may shut down from the untested ingredients in those concoctions but you’d probably be the horniest patient in the ICU.
Before I get into the results of my very very official experiment and professional research on the subject I have to explain the history of aphrodisiacs and the most common ones used today.
History of Aphrodisiacs
The true history of aphrodisiacs starts with the history of man. Since the dawn of time, humans have been trying to figure out how to get their freak on. The name however, stems from the Greek Goddess Aphrodite: the goddess of love and beauty. Medical sources from ancient China show use of herbs and tinctures found throughout apothecaries in the Middle East to improve fertility and the male erection.
The evolution of these tinctures and herbs eventually land you in the modern pharmacology market with our well-known friend-Viagra. The OG food related aphrodisiacs were recorded in ancient texts by the Arabic, Persian and Hebrew people through long lists of foods that were believed to enhance sexual desire. This ancient grocery list of horniness led to the commonly used aphrodisiac foods of today.
There is a long history of different cultures, rulers and tribes influencing the beliefs around sexual arousal and the holistic resources available to improve fertility however the long story short is: add in the bumping spice trade, a human being’s natural need for reproducing effectively and a sprinkle of witchcraft and you’ve got a modern day multi-billion dollar boinking business.
A common theory behind foods that are considered aphrodisiacs is their ability to produce increased amounts of dopamine. If you increase dopamine by default you increase pleasure and sexual arousal…in theory.
Oysters are one of the most famous foods related to aphrodisiacs due to their ability to increase dopamine in the brain. However, several foods are known to increase dopamine but some ancient Roman soldier was recorded as having seduced multiple women with flirtation and oysters therefore oysters gained the reputation for sealing the deal with the ladies. Broccoli also increases dopamine production in the brain but somehow it ended up with the reputation of just causing gas. Sounds like a PR problem more than scientific fact.
Considering my current state of gestation, consuming oysters was off the table and the smell of broccoli makes my stomach turn. Therefore, I decided to turn my attention to another form of aphrodisiac: pheromones.
Pheromone Research
Pheromones are a type of aphrodisiac in that they are chemicals known to be produced by animals and humans and received/perceived by others of the same species. It was the only aphrodisiac with solid scientific backing and safe to use while pregnant that could be beneficial to my social experiment on my husband. I searched the internet for different types of pheromone oils, sprays and tinctures. I landed on the most reviewed and coveted pheromone perfume on Amazon: Pure Instinct Crave Roll On Pheromone Oil.
Upon receiving my little package, I ripped open the box and immediately rolled the oil onto my decolletage, behind my ears and behind my knees (for good measure). The scent was pretty intoxicating. It was a lot woodsier than I imagined with a hint of sweetness like vanilla. I’m not sure what I expected sexual arousal to smell like but it was much more masculine than I thought. I then sat on the couch very content with my purchase, with arms wide open, a come hither smile and waited for my husband to be filled with uncontrollable desire for me.
However, he continued to play Call of Duty. Granted he was in the throes of a very intense game that ended in a victory for his team (I know nothing of how this game works) so I continued to wait. For five days. I rolled on this oil every day for five days and although I did receive the same amount of love and affect that I get on a regular basis from my husband nothing was super charged.
He didn’t sniff me like a fresh baked cinnamon roll on a Sunday morning however, I did sniff myself like said cinnamon roll. I noticed after rolling on the oil I was truly feeling myself for approximately 1 hour after application: the skin was glowing; the ass was ass-ing and the bump was bumping. I spent every hour of every day inhaling the intoxicating scent of the pheromones while my husband only had the opportunity to get a whiff for maybe an hour or two during the day.
I was working on the theory that the subject simply wasn’t exposed to the product for enough time to truly appreciate my sexual prowess. Therefore, I changed my approach. I used the oil at night instead. After a few nights I realized my pregnancy pillow fort was probably blocking the directly line from his nostrils to my decolletage. If anyone reading this has been pregnant before, you know it takes an entire army of pillows to sleep comfortably.
Continued Research
One night I saw an opportunity to improve my experiment. My husband is a very active sleeper, so I usually stay clear of any flailing limbs, however I noticed he was restless and seemed to be rolling over for a little cuddle sesh. I took the opportunity to attempt to place my head delicately on top of his, not only to be a sweet loving wife offering my chest for comfort but also sandwich his nostrils directly into my field of study. He couldn’t get any closer to my roll-on pheromones.
Unfortunately for me, his protector of the house instincts kicked in. He was indeed dead asleep and had no desire for cuddling. His proprioception told him someone was encroaching on his personal space and shot his head up from his pillow like a bottle rocket just as my chin was delicately resting on his forehead. Our cute moment turned into a near concussion for me as my jaw clamped shut, bouncing off of his head and whiplash set in. My husband, however, never woke up. He simply rolled over and continued his slumber with no recollection of the incident the next day.
Confused by the results of my experiment and probably the head trauma, I went back to the drawing board. Were the effects I felt only the power of suggestion? Was my husband immune to that brand of pheromone? I decided to research the product itself. I returned to the Amazon page I ordered from and that’s when I found the fatal flaw in my research: I ordered the wrong oil. Apparently, pheromones that attract women and men are very chemically different. What I read as the target user for the pheromone oil I ordered was the intended target of the oil. I was trying to entice my husband with pheromones meant to attract women which may explain why I was so attracted to myself after a few days.
I learned a few lessons through this experiment. First, it is probably best to not test anything on subjects who don’t know they’re in a science experiment. You’ll just end up with a headache. Second, read and re-read the labels of anything you put on or in your body regarding sexual arousal. These chemical weapons should not be used lightly.
Finally, the true root of sexual attraction is self-love. You can douse yourself in pheromones, entice your partner with flirtation and oysters or pop any gas station sex pills you want (please don’t) but in reality, what your partner wants is you.
You are the only person that can be you. Find confidence in knowing that your body with its stretch marks, curves, baby bump and scars is carrying around the soul that people are attracted to. If you feel yourself…others will vibe with you too. If you need a little help in that department, maybe try turning yourself on for a change this Valentines Day and stop worrying about the pleasure of others.
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