Smex Ed

Relationships used to be cut & dry: Two people meet and fall in love and commit to one another. These days, relationships are becoming more and more non-traditional and with that, so many questions. 

Open relationships? Polyamory? Ethical non-monogamy? HUH? 

Confused AF? I can’t blame you. Society has completely fucked us in the realm of relationships. There’s so much focus on monogamy that anyone who doesn’t fit into that nice, tidy box is made to feel like a freak. 

But, I’m here to tell you: There’s no one-size-fits-all relationship label for ANY relationship. Your relationship is what you and your partner want it to be – not what ANYONE else tells you it should be. Not your momma, not your friends, not your grandma, not your spiritual leader, and definitely not the jealous monogamous people who are unaware or unwilling to see any other options. 

Fun fact: A 2020 survey showed that a third of the US population feel drawn to non-monogamy in some form (42% of those were Millennials); and nearly a quarter of the population is already in some type of non-monogamous relationship.

https://www.google.com/url?q=https://today.yougov.com/topics/society/articles-reports/2020/01/31/millennials-monogamy-poly-poll-survey-data&sa=D&source=docs&ust=1676579175551220&usg=AOvVaw3lKt_7DmePmG0PER2dclRc

I’ll be honest, labels are tricky –  mostly because they just don’t quite FIT what’s actually going on. So, let’s explore some of these terms and shed a little light on some options out there. (This is by no means an exhaustive list of the options out there – if you can think of it, it’s probably out there somewhere!)

Monogamy

Monogamy is being committed to one person. These are the societally accepted standard marriages, couples, and relationships.

Example: Sarah and John are married and only have eyes for each other. *cue “aww”*

Non-Monogomy

These are relationships with multiple people with no discussion about exclusivity or commitment to any one person. In conventional society, this is seen as “dating/sleeping around.” 

I view this type of relationship mostly with singles out dating in the world right now. They don’t want to “settle down” or make a commitment to any one person because they’re just out having fun. 

A lot of the time, on dating sites, they’ll say they’re not sure what they’re looking for or they’re only looking for something casual. Fuck buddies may also fall into this category – especially if they don’t share that they’re out there fucking around. 

Example: Sarah is going out with 3 different men. She’s not exclusive to any of them and doesn’t share that she is dating multiple people with any one of them. She may or may not be sleeping with any or all of them. Sarah is getting it on. 

This also includes what most of society views as cheating – having a relationship that is hidden or not known about by others. If you haven’t discussed outside partnerships – however they may look – you’re in the realm of non-monogamy. 

Open Relationships

This is an umbrella term that encompasses a lot of options. Essentially, it’s a relationship where those involved have agreed to some degree of freedom to love/sleep with people outside the relationship. You may not know every sexual encounter your partner has, but you’ve agreed it’s ok to pursue others. 

This includes swingers (who may not have a primary relationship at all and just enjoy sex with multiple partners), fuck buddies, friends with benefits, or even couples who don’t want to split up, but want to explore other relationships. 

Example: Sarah and John are dating, but not exclusive. They don’t share details about other people they’re dating with each other, but they know they each are dating other people. They’re both out there living their best life and aren’t afraid of hiding it.

Example 2: Sarah and John are married, but don’t have a sexual relationship anymore. They don’t want to get divorced because they don’t want to break up the family and they truly love each other. Instead, they agree they can date/sleep with other people outside the relationship. They don’t necessarily talk a lot about these outside relationships with each other – perhaps only to the extent of “I have a date tonight” or “I’m going out.” Essentially, they are living together more as roommates/co-parenting and not as romantic partners. 

I view open relationships as still having a primary relationship at the core. In open relationships, it’s more about the sexual connection than the emotional connection. They find the emotional connection with their primary relationship and the sexual excitement and satisfaction from an outside relationship. Consent and agreement between partners is what makes this different from non-monogamy.

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM)

ENM is a type of open relationship. The biggest difference is that everyone involved is aware and consenting to the relationships. You may not know everyone personally, but everyone knows everyone else exists – kind of like knowing the names of your partners’ coworkers: you may not know them personally, but you know a lot about them from what they tell you.

Example: Sarah and John are dating. Sarah is also dating Kyle. John is also dating Marie. Sarah and John both know about Kyle and Marie and share tidbits about the others. “I have a date with Kyle tomorrow, but I’ll see you on Monday.” “Sarah and I are going to the mountains this weekend.”

ENM may be something that you and your partner only engage in occasionally. Perhaps Sarah has a best friend who lives out of state, but whom she hooks up with when they come to town. John knows this and may or may not be included. Again, thinking of the coworkers analogy – they may get together for drinks, and then go home separately. 

If you’ve heard the term “monogamish”, this could fit in here or under the general open relationship label. Monogamish is when a couple is mostly monogamous, but may occasionally have sex outside the relationship for certain situations. The primary relationship comes first, and then others may be added in for extra benefits

Fun fact: Cheating can still occur in ENM. The basis of ENM is mutual trust and consent; cheating ignores both those things.

Polyamorous

As if things weren’t confusing enough, poly relationships are multiple committed relationships. There’s usually a level of domesticity in these relationships and a lot of non-sexual interactions (having dinner together, living together, going on dates together, etc.). Everyone may live together or not. The biggest distinction in a poly relationship is that it’s closed to any other people – no strangers or random people are coming/going. 

Example: Sarah and John are married and have a girlfriend Marie that also lives with them. They have dinner together every night and Marie helps take care of their children. They don’t include anyone else in their relationship. The primary relationship is Sarah and John. 

Example 2: Sarah and John are married. Sarah has a boyfriend, Kyle, and John has a girlfriend, Marie. Kyle and Marie live separately on their own, but they all 4 go on family vacations together and have dinner Sunday nights. The primary relationship is still Sarah and John. 

Example 3: Sarah and John are married. Kyle and Marie are married. Kyle and Sarah are dating; Marie and John are dating. The couples live separately, but often do things together as a group, or as individual couples. Kyle and John go to the gym together; Sarah and Marie take a painting class together. The primary relationships here are the married couples. They do not include any others in their relationships.

Check out the Poly Couple on Tik Tok. They showcase what it is like to become a Poly Couple after 15 years of marriage

@danaandthewolf

#polyamory #relationship #couplegoals❤️

♬ Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel

Now what?

Now that you know some of the options out there, it’s time to really decide what’s best for you. 

Questions to ask yourself if you’re considering a non-traditional relationship: 

• Do I want more than one partner? 
• Do I mind if my partner has other partners than me? 
• Do you feel multiple partners would add to or take away from your relationships? 
• How much time can I dedicate to another partner?

Shaked up & unsure how to approach this? Completely understandable. Here’s some tips to keep in mind when sharing this with a partner: 

• Know what it is that you want right now
• They will probably feel like they’re not enough (thanks, societal expectations); do what you can to emphasize that’s not the case
• Commit to exploring this idea together as a couple BEFORE adding in other people 
• Know this will require constant communication and renegotiation of your primary relationship
• Take into consideration their own views and feelings – remember that you’re a team and it’s not you vs them; it’s the team vs the issue

Remember: You and your partner get to decide what your relationship is like … In fact, you may bounce around from one of these labels to another trying to figure out what’s right for you and your partner(s) at the moment. Hell, it’s totally fine to buck all labels and just BE – as long as you’re clear & honest about intentions and expectations. 

Now, get out there and give a big ‘ole middle finger salute to societal norms and make your relationship YOURS. 

Here is a small table I created to try and help you differentiate between the different terms

*Some of these definitions were adapted from the book The Ethical Slut, by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton.