Smex Ed

Polyamory and non-traditional relationships have had a resurgence in recent years thanks to more non-traditional relationships being highlighted on social media and podcasts these days.

Which has a lot more people starting to explore non-traditional relationships, including those who have been in long-term monogamous relationships. 

Some couples are exploring non-traditional relationships as a way to spice things up, others are exploring as a way to get their needs met in a different way. 

But, that doesn’t mean they’re polyamorous.

Hear me out.

We’ve talked about the different types of relationships before, but as a recap polyamory is having multiple committed relationships. 

What I’ve seen with some people isn’t that they’re looking for expanding their committed relationship to another individual, but instead looking for more of an open relationship type of situation – which doesn’t require a commitment necessarily. 

I’ve spoken with many, many polyamorous individuals, who have also come across this frustrating situation when dating – that someone will say they’re poly, but want to have a more open relationship dynamic. 

Let’s pause for a moment and look at the differences here: 

You probably want a poly relationship if you are excited to meet new people and grow your relationships, without keeping them separate or hidden. You feel like you have more love to give and want to experience more love and joy and create almost a community-like feel in your home/relationships.. 

You probably want an open relationship if you feel like something is missing from your current relationship and want to find that somewhere else. You want to keep relationships separate or would be ok with not having your partners meet. You are wanting to date and not be pinned down.

Now, if you’ve followed along for a while, you know that I preach that all relationships are unique and individual to those involved. However, this seems to be something more concerning – especially to those who consider themselves polyamorous to the core. 

Every person I’ve met who is polyamorous has said to me that they have always known that monogamy wasn’t for them and, typically, when dating are seeking out a committed relationship. 

What many seem to be finding are people who are new to this idea are defaulting to “poly” for anything other than monogamy – which can be extremely confusing. Especially when they may be seeking out a new relationship because they’re actually unhappy in their current relationship. 

See, I believe that there’s a lot of people who are exploring polyamory because their current relationship has gone to shit. And, while that can absolutely work in some cases, it doesn’t in most cases simply because people either don’t know what polyamory actually is or they aren’t sure what they want. 

Polyamory requires constant communication and understanding and, honestly, most people who have been in monogamous relationships fall short on those skills – which is often also why their current relationship is failing, or they’re unhappy. 

As a therapist, I see a lot of people unhappy in their relationships. Some of the biggest signs include a feeling of distance between you and your partner, an increasing amount of contempt  for what your partner is doing or resentment toward your partner, finding fault in everything your partner does, and an increase in arguments. This leads to people wanting to find someone who will do what their current partner is failing at.

If a client is unable or unwilling to leave the relationship (which there are many reasons not to), that’s when we begin exploring the possibility of opening up the relationship so needs can be met. Most of the time, we’re focusing on an open relationship, not a poly relationship (because your current relationship isn’t going so well, you’re probably not going to be introducing them to each other – at least not right away). 

Most people who come to me wanting to open their relationship into a true poly relationship have a solid current relationship going on. They have always known they are not made for monogamous relationships because they want to share their love, not because they want to be free to do whatever they want or feel slighted or ignored by their current partner. 

Now, there are a lot of things you can work on with your partner prior to jumping right into opening up your relationship. My first suggestion is always couples therapy as it truly helps to have an impartial person in the room to help translate for you – cause if you were communicating well, you probably wouldn’t be in this situation. If that’s not in the cards, consider working with a licensed therapist on your own to help you figure out how to communicate your needs better and work through any issues that may pop up. 

So, the question I have to those who are dipping their toes in the polyamory pool – are you truly polyamorous and feel the capacity to love multiple people? Or are you just unhappy with your current situation and want to sow some wild oats? Cause if it’s the second, you’re more likely to be successful in open relationships than saying your “poly.”