Smex Ed

As a therapist, I get a TON of people in my office who struggle with their relationships. Some of them are new relationships, but most of them have been together for a while, but they’re just not connecting anymore. 

Know why? Cause they’ve stopped paying attention to what their partner wants and what  makes them feel loved. 

I get a lot of: “We used to do … “ or “We never do …. anymore”. 

And it honestly breaks my heart a little bit because I can see how much they want to make their relationship better – they’re in therapy, for god’s sake! – and yet they just don’t know how to love their person the way they need to be loved. 

Enter the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. (I’ll be honest, you don’t need the book – just go do the quiz online and then have a little discussion session with your partner. You’ll learn a lot & it will all click.)

Most couples I talk to have never heard about this or, if they have, they didn’t really understand it. So here’s my down & dirty explanation: 

Chapman theorizes that there’s 5 main ways people feel loved: Acts of Service, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Receiving Gifts. Most of us want some combination of all 5, but usually have 1-2 that are tops on the list. (Don’t worry, I’ll explain these individually later.)

Now, if those top love languages aren’t getting hit, we don’t feel as loved or appreciated; which is when we start to feel maybe a bit resentful toward our partner or just unsatisfied with the relationship. That’s the danger zone – and usually what gets them in my office. 

For example: My love language is Acts of Service (take the trash out for me and I’m happy as a pig in shit); my partner’s love language is Quality time (spend time outside with a bonfire and a glass of wine and he’s a happy camper). 

But if he never takes the trash out and I never sit outside with him, we both start to feel a little starved for connection. 

See what I mean? 

Now that  you know the general gist of it, let’s take this to the bedroom and make it sexier, shall we?

ACTS OF SERVICE

In the 5 love languages, Acts of Service is all about doing things to help your partner out; especially the tasks they dread. For example, doing the dishes, filling up the car with gas, picking up dinner – anything to make your partner’s life easier. The catch with this is doing it without being asked. 

Now, before you come at me, this isn’t about reading your partner’s mind. It’s about being observant. 

It’s about seeing that your partner is constantly complaining about being late to work because they forget to fill up the car on the way home; so you take it upon yourself to fill their car with gas for them.

It’s about filing away that simple request to take the trash out as a hint that they don’t like doing it and then making sure to take out the trash whenever it’s full. 

Now, if you have a dirty mind, you may automatically think of oral sex as an appropriate kinky version of Acts of Service. And I’m not going to ever say no to oral sex … 

But, If you’re a kinky AF person, you know where I’m going …  I’m talking about a Dom/sub dynamic. 

ACTS OF SERVICE KINKIFIED: BDSM STYLE

For those who aren’t familiar with a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship, check out last month’s article, The Stigma of the Male Submissive, to get an immersive experience of that world,  but  let me briefly give an overview: D/s dynamics are built around control. The Dominant person is wielding control over the submissive (with their consent, cause consent is always fucking necessary, ya’ll). 

Dominants are always observing their submissive in order to help guide them to satisfaction/fulfillment. The Dominant is the authority in the situation, however it’s all done with the consent of the submissive. 

Keep in mind, this doesn’t always have to be sexual. A lot of the time a D/s relationship may filter over into daily life (sometimes even extending to a 24/7 lifestyle). And that’s where some of the more traditional acts of service would apply and appeal to a D/s relationship. 

The reason Acts of Service is appealing to so many people (especially women), is because we constantly feel overwhelmed and under appreciated. When you take tasks off your partner’s plate, they feel supported and understood. The kink side of it is not having to think, not having to delegate, not having to decide. You simply know that the thing will get done because you trust that your partner (Dominant) will do what they say. And that’s sexy AF. 

Pro tip for my communication-loving peeps: There’s nothing sexier than someone saying “Don’t worry, I’ve got this handled. Go relax for a bit.” And then the kitchen is magically cleaned – *swoon* – you’re totally getting that other act of service.

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

This probably feels like an obvious one, right? Words of affirmation are just being kind, affirmative, encouraging and supportive verbally to your partner. AKA, praise. (See what I did there?) 

It’s true, those who have a praise kink usually have words of affirmation love language. 

For my kink newbies: A praise kink is when someone gets off on being complimented, given validation, or kind words, particularly in a sexual setting. However, there’s a lot of times that even the most basic words of affirmation can be a turn on in a non-sexual situation – especially when said in a more sensual tone or with a sensual touch. 

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION KINKIFIED: PRAISE KINK

Some simple examples of taking your words of affirmation to the kinky side: 

• “You’re such a good girl/boy.” 
• “You’re so pretty on your knees.” 
• “That’s it. You’re doing so well.” 
• “That (piece of clothing) looks amazing on you. I can’t wait to take it off.”

But here’s the twist …. Those with a degradation kink can also have words of affirmation love language. 

Degradation kink is when you get off when someone uses words focusing on (consensual) degradation and humiliation. There are a LOT of ways to degrade and humiliate someone, but when talking about the words of affirmation kink, it’s going to look like using verbal insults during sex. 

Some simple examples of degradation as  words of affirmation: 

• “You’re my dirty slut”
• “You love being used, don’t you?” 
• Any variation of derogatory language (slut, whore, bitch, etc)

Do not – I repeat, DO NOT – dive into the realm of degradation without discussing it with your partner. Consent is so fucking essential – especially when you’re going to be hurling insults their way. Be sure to find out what they actually like and don’t like. Someone who may be OK with the word “slut” may not be OK with the word “whore”. It’s worth the discussion ahead of time. 

If all of this feels super scary, try reading a smutty book together, or ask your partner to send you examples of dialogue that gets them hot and bothered. I promise, if you ask, they’ll give it to you. 

QUALITY TIME

Quality time feels pretty self-explanatory, but it’s probably not as easy as you think. Filling the quality time love tank can be as unique as your partner. 

Essentially, a person who has quality time as a love languages wants your attention. Best way to figure this out … ask them what they’d like you to do with them. 

For some, it may mean doing something meaningful together, such as a special activity or event. And for others it may mean having deep conversations together without interruptions (this means put your phone away!). 

I’m sure we can see where we may fall short of expectations in this area. Life gets busy and sometimes it’s hard to even have a meal together, let alone a long, passionate fuck fest (or love making, whatever you prefer). 

I’m gonna give the typical therapist suggestion here: date nights. 

I know, such a cop out right? But, hear me out…. 

Planning a date night lets your partner know that you want to spend time with them. Giving them your undivided attention is what they want. They don’t want to share you with the kids or the in-laws or even Netflix. 

QUALITY TIME KINKIFIED: SEXY DATE NIGHTS

Once you’ve got the time set aside, get as wild and crazy and kinky as you’d like. Start foreplay earlier in the day – let them know you can’t wait to spend time with them and what you’re going to do to them. Make it sexy, make it fun. 

If you’re gonna go vanilla on this one (like a trip to the museum or the ice cream shop), make sure it’s something that they want to do. Quality time with you doesn’t just mean “come hang out with me while I do something I enjoy.”

Some other ideas: 

• Plan a sexy rendezvous at a hotel or bar where you can roleplay a “meet a stranger” fantasy. 
• Light some candles after the kids go to bed and share a fantasy you like (without the expectation of doing it). 
• Take things to the bedroom and focus on what your partner wants to do – maybe play a sexy game together or mutual masturbation. 
• If your partner is into the outdoors, maybe go for a hike and plan for some sexy fun in the woods 
• Staying in? Make movie night a bit more exciting by adding a sex toy to the mix and play under the covers. See who remembers the most from the movie!
• Gift them a remote-controlled vibrator to wear while you go out with friends or have a nice dinner. 

GIFTS

I can hear it now – this is the easiest one!! Just buy them things!! 

Well … um, yes, but …. Have you ever bought your partner something you KNEW they wanted and then got a completely unexpected response from them? Exactly… it’s not just about the actual gift, it’s about the timing of the gift.

I had a friend once who had a hard time giving a “good” gift to his spouse. No matter what he gave her for her birthday or holiday, she was disappointed, and he felt like a complete failure. Eventually, he realized it was an unexpected gift she was looking for! When he came home with something small and thoughtful, she was ecstatic. And for holidays, he asked for a specific gift list and stuck to that. Win-win situation. 

Some vanilla ideas to appease your gift-loving partner: 

• A new spicy book they’ve been wanting to read
• Fun bath products to help them relax (if that’s their thing)
• A professional massage
• Their favorite coffee drink

GIFTS  KINKIFIED: NAUGHTY SANTA STYLE

Since we’re making these kinky, we’re gonna be giving some gifts that are on the “naughty” side 

Think things like: 

• A new sex toy you know they’ve been looking at
• New lingerie you’d love to see them in 
• Flavored lube or other fun massage oil
• A trip to a sex store to buy whatever they want 
• A date night to a sex club

Keep in mind, we’re really paying attention to the timing of the gift. So, while it may seem like a good idea to present your partner with a fun, sexy maid costume you’ve both been talking about, giving it to them when they’ve worked a 10-hour day and are ready to pass out may not be the best idea. 

Why? Because they’re exhausted and giving a sexy gift puts an unspoken expectation in the air – now they think you want to have sex and that may feel more like another obligation or task, and that’s not the vibe we’re going with. 

We want the gift to be a surprise and unexpected, but we also want it to be an appropriate time. Don’t bust out a bottle of Anal Ease right before the in-laws come over for dinner. (Although, that’s not a hard and fast rule – I’m sure someone out there may love that idea.)

Just be sure to read the room when it’s time to give a sexy gift. If they seem stressed and short-tempered with you, stick with a more vanilla gift. If they are in a playful, fun mood, it’s probably safe to give something a little sexier. 

If they don’t react the way you’re hoping for – aka jumping your bones – don’t take it personally. It may not have been great timing. 

PHYSICAL TOUCH

Those who have a physical touch love language are going to be the ones who are just more touchy feely – they love hugs, kisses, caresses, holding hands, snuggling, etc. Another completely obvious one, am I right? You’re probably thinking “Just have sex!!” 

I mean, yes, but that’s child’s play and we’re better than that. We’re not here for the basics, we’re here to make the love languages some next-level orgasmic shit. 

So, how do you up the ante with physical touch? With intention. 

Instead of giving your partner a peck on the lips when they walk out the door, pull them into you and kiss them like you may never kiss them again. Grab their ass while you do it. Run your hand along their cheek and tangle your fingers into their hair … Leave them breathless. 

PHYSICAL TOUCH  KINKIFIED: LET IT LINGER

Make foreplay something that lasts all day instead of 15 minutes before penetration. Walk up behind them and wrap your arms around them while they are doing something. Kiss their shoulder or neck. Sniff them. (Yeah, I said it. Yeah, you may think it’s weird, but try it out.)

Play around with sensual touch during sex. Don’t just rush through things – take your time. A partner who craves physical touch probably wants to be worshiped. Bring some sensual toys into the bedroom – it doesn’t have to be anything too crazy. Even a bit of warming lube, or an ice cube, or a silk scarf can be fun to play with. 

Aftercare is another way to really hit that physical touch button hard. While aftercare is typically connected to BDSM scenes, it can absolutely be implemented after any (or every) sexual encounter. It’s simply taking care of your partner after sex or playtime. 

Cuddling, snuggling, chatting about the experience, even snacking or showering together are all things that you may choose to do as part of your aftercare. 

Now that you’ve got some ideas on how to kinkify your love languages, it’s time to get creative. Start mixing them together & watch the magic happen. 

Throw in some praise during aftercare = physical touch and words of affirmation. 

Gift your partner a new sensual toy and tease them with it = gift giving and physical touch. 

Plan a weekend getaway and have a wild kinky night complete with aftercare = quality time, physical touch, and maybe even some words of affirmation (and gift giving if you bring some new toys along!). 

Get a babysitter, clean the house, give your partner a massage and snuggle afterward = acts of service, physical touch, quality time.

I know relationships are hard – use this as a cheat sheet to help you strengthen that connection. If you want to keep (or bring back) that honeymoon feeling, you’re going to need to know what things get them going. And then do more of those things. 

The kinky shit is just a bonus.