Smex Ed

Among committed, monogamous relationships, sexual fantasies tend to get a sneer of disapproval. If you were to poll people on whether having a sexual fantasy about someone equates to cheating, you’d probably get a decent amount of ‘yes’s.

But, in reality, the people who are emphatically hating on fantasies publicly are probably out there fantasizing about something, some time. It’s like your great-aunt Ida chastising you for having a piece of cheesecake for dessert at the family dinner, but then she goes home to eat the rest right from the pan. It’s hypocritical, at best. 

We all have fantasies – it’s human nature. And it’s also human nature to keep those things private for fear of rejection. 

But, It’s not your fantasies that are tanking your relationships – it’s that you keep them secret. 

Secrets – no matter what they are – will always cause a feeling of betrayal and rejection within your relationship. No.Matter.What.They.Are. 

I promise you – I’ve heard a wide range of reasons for a couple splitting up, and probably 90% of the time, it started because of a “secret.” 

You see, when we get into a relationship, we have expectations of what it should be like. And in American culture, there’s this belief that couples should tell each other everything, and your partner should be your best friend. 

There’s a whole other article about why that may not be the best approach, but for this article, it sets some pretty high fucking expectations for both of you. And guess what, those expectations are often completely unrealistic. 

So, back to the fantasy thing … Let’s look at an example. Set the scene: We’re talking about a monogamous couple here – John and Jane. John has a fantasy about anal sex, but Jane blew a gasket when John suggested it (“Ew, that’s disgusting. I’d never do that!”). Because John got a bad reaction from Jane in the past, he’s going to keep it to himself now. 

Can we see how this is going to impact the relationship negatively? 

Because John now has this fantasy that he can’t share with his partner, he may end up watching pornography about it, or reading about it, or otherwise getting that excitement about the fantasy from other places. He may even pull away from Jane physically and it could easily devolve into seeking it out with another person. At the very least, if Jane “catches” him, she may decide he’s “obsessed” with it and it becomes a huge argument. 

Literally both people here are feeling a certain type of way – hurt, betrayal, confusion, shame. And now the trust in the relationship is questioned and, well, it can go downhill quickly after that. 

I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been in John and Jane’s shoes at some point in our lives. And you’re probably thinking, OK, then Jess, what’s the right way to handle fantasies in a relationship? One word: Communication. 

Do I believe that fantasies can be harmful to a relationship? 

Absolutely. 

Do I also believe that fantasies can play a part in bringing couples closer together? 

Absolutely. 

My belief is that relationship dynamics are unique – the rules change with each couple and can even shift and change as time goes on. But in order to keep those expectations in check – and realistic to your unique dynamic – you gotta talk about them.

Let’s look at how John and Jane could use sexual fantasies to enhance their intimacy: 

John still has this fantasy about anal sex. He brings it up to Jane. Jane responds with something neutral like – ‘I’ve never tried it before; it kind of scares me and feels kind of gross. What makes you want to do it?’ 

*boom* The entire future of their relationship has shifted. 

Now the conversation has been opened up for John to be able to share why he’s enamored by it and Jane still has the ability to say “no, thank you, that’s not for me.” 

Perhaps they don’t ever do it, but now Jane can use that as a point in dirty talk that she knows will get John off or drive him wild. Perhaps, because they talk about it so much, and Jane sees how excited John gets about it, she decides to research some more and they actually do try it out. 

Instead of it being something that John feels he has to hide, he now feels like he can share this with his partner and will lean into that connection with Jane. 

Fantasies can absolutely take your intimacy to the next level – if you’re willing to be vulnerable.  

I get it, it’s scary sometimes to tell someone your fantasies. I hear it all the time in my office – people will tell me what they wish they could have in their relationship, but are afraid to tell their partner what they like/don’t like. And I know why – because a lot of the time, the reaction from your partner isn’t always supportive. 

Consider these things when your partner brings up something they like or dislike – what is your reaction? Are you judging them? Are you projecting your own thoughts and feelings onto their comment? (This is when we use the “I would never do something like that” instead of listening to what they’re saying.) 

Your reaction to any piece of vulnerability is going to set the tone for whether or not your partner feels safe to share with you in the future. I know, that feels like a big responsibility, but that’s what comes with committed relationships. 

Some bullet point tips to recap:

• Sharing your fantasies can help build intimacy in your relationship
• Don’t yuck someone’s yum – even if you don’t want to do it, listen to what they’re saying. Half the battle is opening up and sharing – let’s not slam the door in their face when they do. 
• Unsure how to bring it up to your partner? Check out the communication tips article from March. 
• If you’re seeking out connection more and more outside of your relationship and keeping it from your partner, consider talking to a professional about it. They can help you navigate this. 

I encourage you to share some of your fantasies with your partner. Start off small and with something you know your partner would react well to. 

There is nothing wrong with tiptoeing into sharing fantasies. Those baby steps may open up a whole new world for your relationship. At the very least, it’s going to build the connection with your partner that we all crave so much.