Smex Ed

Just because you’re older doesn’t mean it’s over. 

As a 54-year-old woman married to an almost 61-year-old man, I can say without a doubt that sex over 50 can be amazing. But, full transparency, it’s not the same as when we were in our twenties, thirties, or even forties! The older we get, the more bumps in the road we hit, and it’s important to find detours to help us reach our destination (aka orgasm).

Sexuality is an essential aspect of human life, regardless of age. However, as we age, our sexual needs and desires change, and we may find ourselves in need of rekindling our sexual fire and exploring new ways of enjoying intimacy with our partners. 

Many of us who have reached the menopausal years may feel uncomfortable discussing these changes or exploring new sexual experiences due to societal taboos surrounding sexuality and aging. 

Breaking taboos surrounding sexuality and aging is about exploring new experiences and acknowledging the importance of sexual health and intimacy for overall well-being. A healthy sex life can improve mood, reduce stress, and enhance physical and emotional intimacy with partners.

It’s essential to recognize that sexual desire and enjoyment are not limited to younger individuals. 

In fact, research suggests that many women over 50 continue to have an active sex life well into their golden years. 

AGEISM AND AGE-RELATED STEREOTYPES 

Ageism and age-related stereotypes can create barriers for older adults to explore their sexual desires and needs. For example, society often portrays them as asexual or undesirable, perpetuating that sexual expression is only for younger individuals. This stigma can make it challenging to openly discuss their sexual health concerns or to feel comfortable exploring new experiences.

To combat these stereotypes, we need to continue promoting the importance of sexual health and well-being for individuals of all ages. We can also challenge ageist attitudes by recognizing and celebrating the diverse sexual experiences of older adults. Doing so can create a more inclusive and supportive culture encouraging seniors to explore their sexual desires and needs.

Let’s break taboos surrounding sexuality and aging because it’s essential for older adults to maintain a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

CHALLENGES OF SEXUALITY AFTER 50

Aging comes with its own set of physical and psychological changes that can affect one’s sex life. For example, women experience menopause, which may bring about vaginal dryness and decreased libido. 

Men may experience erectile dysfunction or a reduction in testosterone levels. In addition, age-related conditions such as arthritis, diabetes, and heart disease can also affect sexual function.

Psychological changes such as stress, anxiety, and depression can also impact sexual desire and enjoyment. 

Finally, relationship issues such as lack of communication, loss of intimacy, and boredom can also contribute to a decline in sexual satisfaction.

FROM ROUTINE TO ADVENTURE

Overcoming these challenges is vital to shift from a common approach to a more adventurous mindset. This involves embracing new experiences and being open to trying new things. 

Here are some ideas to help you take your sex life to the next level:

Communication

Communication is critical to any successful relationship, including your sexual relationship. Talk openly and honestly about your desires, fantasies, and concerns with your partner. Discuss what turns you on and what you would like to try. This can help you both feel more comfortable and confident in the bedroom.

Below are five tips for better communication with your partner when you feel insecure about the changes in your aging body.

1. Acknowledge your feelings: It’s important to recognize and acknowledge your own insecurities about the changes in your body. Understanding your emotions will help you communicate them effectively to your partner. 
2. Choose the right time and place: Find a comfortable and relaxed environment where you and your partner can have an open and uninterrupted conversation. Avoid bringing up the topic in the heat of the moment or when either of you is stressed or distracted. 
3. Use “I” statements: When discussing your insecurities, it’s helpful to use “I” statements to express your feelings and experiences. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t find me attractive anymore,” try saying, “I feel insecure about the changes in my body, and it’s affecting my confidence.” This approach allows you to share your emotions without blaming or accusing your partner.
4. Be specific about your concerns: Clearly communicate the specific changes in your body causing you insecurity. This could include weight gain, scars, stretch marks, or other physical changes. Being specific, you help your partner understand your perspective and address your concerns more effectively.
5. Seek reassurance and support: Let your partner know that you value their opinion and seek their reassurance and support. Share what you need from them: words of affirmation, physical intimacy, or simply a listening ear. This will foster a supportive environment where you can work together to overcome insecurities and strengthen your connection.

Be patient with yourself and your partner as you navigate these conversations. Building trust and understanding takes time but can ultimately lead to a stronger and more fulfilling sexual relationship.

Foreplay

Foreplay is an integral part of sexual intimacy, especially for women, and isn’t limited to sexual acts. As we age, it may take longer to become aroused, so take the time to explore each other’s bodies and build anticipation. 

There are many ways to enhance your experience and build anticipation. Here are some ideas:

1. Spicy talk and flirting: Engage in playful and flirtatious conversations throughout the day. Send each other sexy texts or leave provocative notes for your partner to find. This can create a sense of anticipation and build excitement leading up to your intimate moments.
2. Emotional intimacy: Prioritize emotional connection and intimacy by spending quality time together. Engage in deep conversations, share your thoughts and feelings, and actively listen to your partner. Building emotional closeness can enhance the overall experience and strengthen your bond.
3. Sensual massages: Take turns giving each other sensual massages. Use aromatic oils or lotions and focus on providing relaxation and pleasure through touch. This helps you both relax and fosters a deeper sense of intimacy and connection. This helps you relax and fosters a deeper intimacy and connection.
4. Date nights: Plan special date nights where you can focus on each other and enjoy shared experiences. Dress up, go to a fancy restaurant, or have a romantic dinner at home. Creating a romantic and intimate atmosphere outside the bedroom can heighten anticipation and build a sense of excitement.
5. Surprise gestures: Surprise your partner with small gestures of love and appreciation. This could be bringing them their favorite treat, leaving little love notes, or surprising them with flowers or a thoughtful gift. These gestures show your partner that you care and are thinking about them, creating a positive and loving atmosphere.
6. Non-sexual touch: Physical touch doesn’t always have to lead to sex. Engage in non-sexual touch, such as cuddling, hugging, or holding hands. Physical affection throughout the day helps maintain a sense of closeness and intimacy, building anticipation for when you become more intimate.

The key is to create an atmosphere of love, connection, and anticipation. Each couple is unique, so explore and find what works best for you and your partner. Communication about desires and preferences is crucial to ensure you feel comfortable and satisfied in your intimate moments.

Sex Toys

Sex toys are a great way to add variety and excitement to your sex life. Vibrators, dildos, and other toys can enhance pleasure and help you explore new sensations. 

They can be a great way to enhance your sex life in a post-menopause state for several reasons:

1. Increased arousal and stimulation: Post-menopause, changes in hormone levels can lead to decreased vaginal lubrication and reduced sensitivity. Sex toys, such as vibrators or clitoral stimulators, can provide additional arousal and stimulation, helping to overcome any challenges related to decreased natural lubrication and enhancing pleasure.
2. Improved blood circulation and muscle tone: Regular use of certain sex toys, such as Kegel balls or vaginal exercisers, can help improve blood circulation and tone the pelvic floor muscles. This can be particularly beneficial during and after menopause, when hormonal changes may weaken the pelvic floor muscles. Strengthening these muscles can increase sexual pleasure and better control over orgasms.
3. Exploration and variety: Menopause can change sexual desires and sensations. Sex toys offer a wide range of options for exploration and experimentation, allowing you to discover new erogenous zones, sensations, and types of stimulation. This can increase pleasure and help counter any potential monotony or boredom in the bedroom.
4. Increased self-confidence and body positivity: Menopause can sometimes be accompanied by body image concerns or self-esteem issues. Using sex toys and experiencing pleasure can help you reconnect with your body, increase self-confidence, and promote a positive body image. It’s an opportunity to focus on pleasure and self-care, which can positively impact your overall well-being.
5. Partner involvement and communication: Introducing sex toys into your post-menopausal sex life can open avenues for communication and exploration with your partner. Discussing desires and preferences and trying new things together can strengthen your bond, increase intimacy, and foster a deeper connection.

When considering sex toys, choosing body-safe and quality products is important, following the manufacturer’s instructions for use and cleaning, and prioritizing open communication with your partner. Exploring different types of toys and finding what works best for you may take some experimentation and personal preference, so be patient and enjoy the journey of self-discovery and pleasure.

Vibrators can stimulate the clitoris and other erogenous zones, enhancing sexual pleasure. There are many different types of vibrators available, so it’s worth exploring different options to find one that works for you.

If you or your partner are nervous about introducing sex toys into the bedroom, it’s completely normal. However, here are some ways to help you feel more comfortable in exploring this new territory:

1. Educate yourselves: Take the time to learn about different types of sex toys, their functions, and how they can enhance pleasure. Research online, read reviews and consider attending educational workshops or events focused on sexual wellness. Understanding the benefits and options available can alleviate concerns and increase confidence.
2. Start with communication: Open and honest communication with your partner is key. Discuss your desires, curiosities, and concerns about using sex toys. Express your feelings and establish a safe space to share your thoughts without judgment. You can address worries, set boundaries, and establish consent by talking openly.
3. Explore solo play: If you or your partner have never used sex toys before, it might be helpful to start exploring them during solo play. This allows you to become familiar with the toys, understand your preferences, and feel more comfortable before incorporating them into partnered sexual experiences. Solo exploration can also help you gain confidence and learn what works best.
4. Choose the right toy: The right sex toy is crucial for a positive experience. Consider factors such as size, material, and functionality. Start with something that feels non-intimidating and matches your comfort level. Choosing body-safe toys from quality materials is important to ensure your safety and pleasure.
5. Take it slow: Introducing sex toys into your sexual routine doesn’t have to be rushed. Start by incorporating them gradually and at your own pace. Begin with simple toys focusing on external stimulation, such as vibrators or clitoral stimulators. As you become more comfortable, you can explore other options and types of toys together.
6. Experiment together: Make exploring sex toys a shared experience with your partner. Involve them in selecting toys and discuss your desires and boundaries. Experimenting together can be exciting and create a sense of adventure and discovery. Remember, it’s a journey of exploration, and both partners should feel comfortable and enthusiastic about trying new things.
7. Focus on pleasure and fun: Remember that using sex toys enhances pleasure and adds excitement to your sexual experiences. Approach it with a sense of playfulness, curiosity, and a focus on enjoyment. By shifting the focus to pleasure and fun, you can alleviate nerves and create a positive atmosphere of exploration.

Introducing sex toys into the bedroom is personal and should be based on mutual consent and comfort. Therefore, it’s important to prioritize open communication, consent, and respect throughout the process. With time, patience, and a willingness to explore, you can discover new realms of pleasure and intimacy together.

In the March issue of Smex Ed, Amanda King wrote an article about three of her favorite clitoral stimulators on the market for women who are just beginning to explore their bodies. If you haven’t read the article yet, you can find it here. She also reviewed The Banyu and you can find the article here.

Dildos can be used for penetration, and they come in many different sizes and shapes to fit different preferences.

If you would like to explore more toys, visit Too Timid’s website and use the coupon code ba-the.amandaking to receive 20% off your purchase.

Ben Wa balls, or kegel balls, are small, weighted balls that can be inserted into the vagina and help strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and increase sexual sensation.

The Pelvic Floor

They can be crucial for women over 50 due to the natural changes in the body during and after menopause. 

Strengthening the pelvic floor muscles through the use of Ben Wa balls or other exercises can provide the following benefits for women in this age group:

1. Prevention and management of urinary incontinence: Menopause can lead to a decrease in estrogen levels, which can contribute to weakened pelvic floor muscles and an increased risk of urinary incontinence. By regularly using Ben Wa balls and performing Kegel exercises, women can strengthen their pelvic floor muscles, improving bladder control and reducing instances of leakage.
2. Prevention of pelvic organ prolapse: With age, the pelvic floor muscles can become weaker, leading to a higher risk of pelvic organ prolapse. By using Ben Wa balls, women can help strengthen these muscles, supporting the pelvic organs and reducing the likelihood of prolapse.
3. Enhanced sexual satisfaction: Menopause can cause changes in sexual function, including decreased vaginal elasticity and lubrication. Strengthening the pelvic floor muscles using Ben Wa balls can help improve vaginal tone, increase blood flow to the genital area, and enhance sexual sensitivity, resulting in more pleasurable sexual experiences.
4. Maintenance of bone health: Hormonal changes during menopause can lead to a loss of bone density, increasing the risk of osteoporosis and fractures. Exercises that target the pelvic floor muscles can help maintain bone strength and reduce the risk of osteoporosis.
5. Improved overall pelvic health and comfort: Strengthening the pelvic floor muscles can alleviate symptoms associated with pelvic floor disorders, such as pelvic pain, heaviness, or discomfort. By enhancing muscle tone and supporting the pelvic organs, women can experience improved overall pelvic health and reduced associated symptoms.

It’s important to note that women over 50 should consult with their healthcare provider or a pelvic floor physiotherapist before starting any new exercises or using Ben Wa balls. They can provide guidance on the most suitable techniques and exercise regimens and address any specific concerns or conditions that may affect pelvic floor health.

Role-Playing & Exploring Kinks

Role-playing is a way to explore fantasies and spice up your sex life as, kink is a broad term for any sexual activity outside the norm. BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism, and masochism) is one example of kink that has become more mainstream in recent years.

In older generations, kinks and role-playing can be seen as taboo because of societal perceptions and attitudes.

They are influenced by a combination of factors:

1. Cultural norms and generational differences: Societal norms and values regarding sexuality have evolved, and older generations may have been brought up in a more conservative cultural context. As a result, certain sexual practices or unconventional desires may be viewed as taboo or deviant.
2. Lack of representation and visibility: Mainstream media and popular culture often depict sexuality as predominantly associated with youth and beauty. This lack of representation of older individuals engaging in kinks or role play can contribute to the perception that it is not a normal or acceptable part of their sexual lives.
3. Ageism and stereotypes: Ageism, which is discrimination or prejudice based on age, can play a role in perpetuating negative stereotypes and assumptions about the sexual desires and capabilities of older individuals. Society often associates aging with a decline in sexual activity or interest, which can lead to the marginalization or dismissal of the sexual experiences and desires of older adults.
4. Limited sexual education and discussion: Older generations may have had limited access to comprehensive sexual education or discussions around kinks and role-play topics. This lack of information or open dialogue can contribute to the perception that such practices are uncommon or inappropriate for older adults.

It’s important to challenge these taboos and stereotypes and recognize that healthy sexual expression and exploration can be a part of a fulfilling and intimate life at any age. Older adults can engage in consensual and safe sexual activities that align with their desires and preferences. In addition, open communication, education, and fostering a non-judgmental attitude can help promote a more inclusive and understanding society that acknowledges and respects the diverse sexual experiences of all age groups.

Exploring kinks and engaging in role-play can be a way for couples over 50 to enhance their intimacy and sexual experiences. Here are some considerations and suggestions for couples in this age group:

1. Open and honest communication: Prioritize open and honest communication with your partner about your desires, boundaries, and fantasies. Create a safe and non-judgmental space to express your interests and concerns. Discuss your motivations for exploring kinks and ensure you’re both on the same page regarding consent and comfort levels.
2. Educate yourselves: Take the time to educate yourselves about different kinks and role-play scenarios. Read books, articles, or websites that provide accurate and reliable information about various kinks, safety considerations, and consent practices. This knowledge will help you make informed decisions and approach exploration with confidence.
3. Start slowly and gradually: Begin with activities or scenarios that feel comfortable for both of you, and gradually explore new experiences over time. Establishing trust and building confidence in each other is important before venturing into more intense or complex kinks. Take small steps and consider each other’s responses and emotional well-being.
4. Set clear boundaries and establish safe words: Establish clear and safe words to ensure both partners feel secure during role play or exploring kinks. Safe words are a way to communicate that someone wants to pause or stop the activity altogether. Consistently check in with each other to ensure that both partners feel respected and comfortable throughout the experience.
5. Prioritize safety: Safety should always be a top priority. Research and understand the safety precautions for any kink or role-play activities you want to explore. This may involve using safe and consensual props, ensuring physical comfort and well-being, and being aware of potential health considerations.
6. Seek guidance if needed: If you’re new to exploring kinks or role play or have concerns about physical limitations or health conditions, consider seeking guidance from a qualified sex therapist or counselor who works with older adults. They can provide professional advice, address any concerns, and guide you through the process in a safe and supportive manner.

Remember, the most important aspect of exploring kinks and engaging in role-play is that both partners are enthusiastic, consensual, and comfortable. Take the time to discover what works for you as a couple and enjoy the journey of deepening your intimacy together.

Sensate Focus 

This technique was developed by Masters and Johnson in the 1970s to help couples reconnect sexually. The method involves a series of structured touching exercises that focus on pleasure and sensation rather than orgasm. This can help couples explore new feelings and improve communication and intimacy.

In this article, you will read about tips, techniques, and exercises to explore Sensate Focus.

Erotic Fiction

Reading erotic fiction or watching erotica together can be fun to explore new fantasies and ideas and be a helpful tool for women who want to learn more about their sexuality. 

While doing research for this article, I stumbled upon the website Bellesa. Below is an excerpt from the site explaining what ethical porn means, and you can subscribe here to watch their videos.

‘Women watch porn, and that’s a fact. But while even the reticent among us know that there’s certainly no lack of options when it comes to the sheer volume of porn out there, quality porn that doesn’t stomp on women is another matter altogether.

The term ‘ethical porn,’ sometimes used interchangeably with ‘feminist’ or ‘fair trade’ porn is porn that honors consent, treats performers with respect, and pays everyone fairly. The environment on an ethical porn film set is one of mutual complicity and understanding.

According to sex therapist Kamil Lewis, AMFT, “Ethical porn validates the needs, boundaries, and curiosities of the performers,” while depicting sex that’s more true-to-life, often featuring performers with more diverse body types and skin colors, and, perhaps most importantly, showcasing real female pleasure. “Ethical porn is inclusive, creative, and consensual,” she says.

Our mission is to empower women to embrace, explore and celebrate their sexuality—unapologetically. We believe a key part of the journey to becoming a self-actualized sexual being is being able to view quality ethical porn online. What’s more empowering than seeing yourself and your deepest desires reflected rather than an endless stream of degrading money shots? We strive to change the world, one great orgasm at a time.’

If you are looking for more options for ethical porn, here is a link to 22 sex-positive porn sites for women.

If you prefer reading erotica, check out this link. 

Travel

Traveling can be a great way to break out of a routine and explore new experiences. Whether it’s a weekend getaway or a more extended trip, traveling can help you and your partner reconnect and rediscover each other sexually.

Exercise

Exercise is not only good for your physical health but also your sexual health. Regular exercise can improve circulation, reduce stress and anxiety, and increase libido. Exercise can also help you feel more confident and comfortable in your body, enhancing sexual enjoyment.

Lubricants 

Vaginal dryness is a common issue experienced by many women over 50 due to hormonal changes associated with menopause. It can lead to discomfort, pain during intercourse, and emotional distress. 

However, there are several effective ways to ease their minds. Seeking information about menopause, discussing concerns with a healthcare provider, exploring treatment options like lubricants, moisturizers, or hormone therapy, and finding support from trusted sources can all contribute to alleviating anxiety and improving overall well-being. 

If you’ve never used lubricants or moisturizers before, below are a few tips on using them effectively.

Step 1: Choose the Right Vaginal Lubricant: Selecting a vaginal lubricant that suits your needs is crucial. Opt for water- or silicone-based lubricants as they are generally safe and compatible with most individuals. Avoid oil-based lubricants as they can degrade latex condoms and may increase the risk of infections.

Step 2: Cleanse the Area: Ensure the vaginal area is clean before applying the lubricant. Wash with mild, unscented soap and warm water. Avoid using harsh cleansers or douches, as they can disrupt the natural pH balance of the vagina.

Step 3: Apply a Small Amount of Lubricant Squeeze a small amount of lubricant onto your fingers or the vaginal opening. Start with a small quantity and add more as needed. You can experiment to find the right amount that provides optimal comfort during sexual activity.

Step 4: Spread the Lubricant: Using your fingers, gently spread the lubricant around the vulva and the opening of the vagina. If desired, you can apply a small amount of lubricant to the partner’s genitals or other areas that may benefit from additional moisture.

Step 5: Reapply as Needed: During sexual activity, if you feel the lubrication is diminishing, feel free to reapply the lubricant as needed. It’s normal to require additional lubrication during longer sessions or if your body naturally produces less moisture.

Remember, everyone’s body is different, and personal preferences may vary. Therefore, communication with your partner about your needs and comfort levels during intimate moments is essential. 

Additionally, following the instructions provided by the specific lubricant manufacturer can provide additional guidance on usage and potential precautions.

Resources are available to help you navigate this phase of life with confidence and comfort.

Our Favorite Lubricant

REDISCOVER THE THRILL

Embracing a sense of adventure and revitalizing your sex life after 50 can lead to a new world of pleasure and intimacy. 

By breaking away from routine and exploring new experiences, you can deepen the connection with your partner and ignite the passion that may have been dormant. 

Communicate openly, express your desires, and be open to trying new things, whether incorporating toys, role-playing, or exploring different positions and techniques. 

Remember, age is no barrier to pleasure. 

With a sense of curiosity and willingness to step outside your comfort zone, you can embark on a thrilling journey of sexual discovery and fulfillment. So, shed the inhibitions, embrace the excitement, and let your sexual adventures after 50 become a vibrant and joyous part of your life.