Smex Ed

If you’ve ever browsed a Cosmo magazine, you’ve probably seen the suggestion of role-playing to spice up your sex life. Nurse/patient or even professor/student experience are classic examples. 

I’m guessing some of you have tried out something similar, but maybe ended up feeling disappointed because you didn’t have the exciting experience we were promised by Cosmo. 

I believe it’s because we go about role-play experiences all wrong. Let me show you how to add role-play into your relationship with less feelings of insecurity and awkwardness. 

First, let’s go deeper than the basics of it and understand why it’s so readily suggested. 

We’ve previously defined and discussed fantasies https://smexed.com/2023/05/01/fantasies-a-relationship-killer-or-relationship-strengthener/, and because ya’ll know I love to be uber-clear on things, we’re going to define fantasy and role-play. 

Fantasies: the delicious daydreams that tantalize our minds, arousing our deepest desires and yearnings.

Role-play: creating scenarios where partners assume different roles, allowing them to explore facets of their personalities that may otherwise remain dormant.

The combination of imagination, desire, and forbidden-ness can transform the mundane into a heady, exciting realm of passion. At least, that’s what Cosmo says, right? 

But, here’s where we’re misled …. Role-play is often suggested to “spice up” your love/sex life. Meaning (in my professional opinion), there’s something that is lacking currently in your love/sex life. 

Most people who have tried adding in role-play with disastrous results have sprung it on their partner without any prior discussion and hope it will reignite their passion. (Kind of like how some people believe having a baby will save their marriage.) 

News flash: That doesn’t work. 

One of two things is going to happen if you spring a role-play idea onto your partner without any previous discussion. 1) They will feel pressured to do something they don’t want to do. Or 2) They feel awkward and unsure of themselves because they aren’t sure what’s expected of them. 

Either way, we all end up disappointed in some way. 

EMBRACING BDSM RULES

Instead, I like to take a page from my kinky-BDSM friends and view role-play as an addition to an already satisfying partnership. 

Approaching a role-play experience as you would a BDSM scene just makes sense. (For those unaware, a BDSM scene is a play session including consensual power exchange and often includes some form of bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and/or sadism and masochism.)

I suggest using the framework of a BDSM scene, you don’t have to make it a BDSM role-play. I’m merely suggesting that you discuss your desires and expectations ahead of time, which includes clear communication, establishing consent, boundaries and respect, and an established safe word. 

By discussing role-play/scenes in detail prior to engaging in play, which helps all involved to fully immerse themselves without fear of judgment or misunderstanding. Which then leads to a much deeper emotional connection and understanding. 

Role-play can absolutely be an exciting way to start a relationship – and some people find role-play to be a specific kink for them, something that they enjoy no matter who they are with, without any shame or worry of rejection.

For others, role-play can feel very intimidating and awkward; it can feel like you’re acting and inauthentic in some ways. Role-play can require a lot of vulnerability – trusting that your partner will listen to your desires and not judge you, or make fun of you. 

DISCUSSING ROLE PLAY WITH A PARTNER

It can take some time to work up the courage to discuss role-play options with your partner, especially if you’ve had a negative experience in the past in which you expressed your feelings/desires and were met with negativity. 

Let’s be clear: There’s nothing shameful about wanting to explore different roles or scenarios. While your individual desires may be different from your partner’s, if they are coming to you with a specific role-play fantasy and have the courage to share that with you,

I encourage you to listen with an open heart and mind and see where you may be able to BOTH find pleasure in the experience. Even if that means getting creative … the beauty of role-play is the versatility of it – the only limitations are your imagination and your boundaries! 

You may decide to go simple with some of your role-play experiences and set the scene with just your combined imagination; or you may go all out and include costumes, props, and different locales. The level of immersion depends on you and your partner (and your budget!). 

And as always, don’t forget the aftercare The Thing Missing in Your Sex Life: Aftercare ! Debriefing on the experience can help to make future role-playing even more fun and exciting. 

And because I love to give you guys tangible information, here’s your quick cheat sheet for role-play or scenes: 

1. Decide which role-play or scene/theme you’d like to create. 
2. Discuss with partner your idea (check out this past article on how to communicate with your partner)
3. Establish boundaries and a safe word. 
4. Plan day/date for your adventure. 
5. Gather any costumes/props/items you may need/want for your role-play. 
6. Enjoy the anticipation. 
7. Have fun! 
8. Aftercare & debrief on the experience with your partner

WHICH ROLE PLAY WILL YOU CHOOSE?

As you can see, role-play can be super fun, if you’re willing to be a little vulnerable, playful, and experimental. 

Now, go grab your partner and start exploring some of those fantasies in a safe, fun way. And then let me know which one you choose to explore