Smex Ed

Pornography has got the worst reputation. 

But is it really as bad as people make it out to be? Does it ruin relationships? Does it cause sexual dysfunction? Does it truly give us unhealthy and unrealistic expectations for sex? 

You can argue either side – yes or no – to these questions, and you’d be right either way. 

Here’s what I’ve learned in my years as a therapist and researching sex and pornography: 

It’s never just the porn that ruins a relationship. (It’s that it’s hidden or becomes a dirty little secret within the relationship.)

It’s not only the porn that causes sexual dysfunction. (It’s our own anxieties about sexual performance, and sometimes actual medical conditions.)

Depending on the porn you watch, it could be giving you unrealistic expectations – but it’s not only porn doing that. (It’s also tv, movies, books, and real-life relationships around you.) Pornography has become the scapegoat for all of our sexual anxieties and insecurities.

Whether we’re talking about sexually explicit videos, images, or the written word, porn has become the thing we blame all of our problems on. 

Partner cheated? It’s because of porn. 

Partner can’t be satisfied? It’s because of porn. 

Partner never wants sex? Porn. 

Partner only wants sex? Freakin’ porn. 

But, it’s not just porn – there’s often so many other minute details of our lives that are playing into how we view sex and relationships. From how we grow up, the relationships we see playing out around us, movies and films of the PG variety, tv shows, experiences and stories from our friends and family … literally everything around us impacts how we view ourselves and our relationships – including how we feel about sex. 

Let’s touch on two of the biggest complaints about porn:

It sets unrealistic expectations.

Depending on the porn you’re consuming, you may be absolutely correct. When most people think about porn, the things that come to mind include: the women are always coming (no matter what sexual position), the men all have enormous penises, women have to be completely bare in the pubic area, and that everyone is always ready at the drop of a hat to have sex. 

In reality: women often need additional stimulation in order to achieve orgasm, the average size of a man’s penis is 5.3 inches, not every woman shaves or goes completely bare, and it often takes at least 10-15 minutes of foreplay before women are ready for sexual penetration. 

The beauty of the digital age and the increase of home-grown pornography is that there are more and more examples of “real” people in pornography than ever. 

If you’re into visual pornography, I encourage you to take a browse through ethical porn sites, such as Lustery or Bellesa, for more real-life, consensual pornography.  

These platforms focus on consensual and ethical sexual encounters between adults. Not only do they feature real-life couples, but they don’t shy away from the true intimacy between couples, and ensure that creators are compensated for their work. Because sex work IS work. 

If you’re only focused on some of the other big-name pornography sites, you may only get curated clips of the “good stuff” or feel like the reactions of the individuals are forced or fake. The ethical concerns for these sites are that clips are pirated, and therefore the creators are not compensated, and/or that the individuals in the videos are not consenting adults – they may be underage or may be forced into making videos against their will. You can get some great examples of other options for porn sites from this Mashable article.

In short, not ALL pornography is the same. Do your due diligence to find ethical, consensual pornography that portrays the relationship that you want. 

Side note: While many will argue that pornography gives an unrealistic expectation of what sex is like (and yes, it absolutely can), the same can be said for romantic movies and the unrealistic expectations of relationships in general. There is no happily ever after … relationships take time and effort to make work. 

Pornography causes cheating.

For fucks sake, people, no. Pornography does not cause people to cheat. 

Lack of communication, unrealistic and uncommunicated expectations on the relationship, and judgment of your partner is what usually drives a person to seek out intimacy from another person. 

Take a look back at some of the past articles on communication and fantasies where we talk about how pornography can be used in a relationship to actually strengthen it. There’s a lot of options for utilizing pornography (and your fantasies/desires) to help foster intimacy and connection with your partner. If you keep those things to yourself, your partner never has the option to accept and integrate that information into your lives. 

Here’s the thing – if you’re uncomfortable having difficult conversations with your partner and addressing pornography as a potential problem within the relationship, that’s a bigger problem than the pornography itself. 

Look, we all have unconscious expectations about relationships that were formed based on what we see around us. (To find yours, simply grab a sheet of paper and list out all of the things you think someone in a relationship should do/how someone should act.)

The problems come when those expectations are not shared with your partner – because eventually it becomes resentment. If you ever have said “he/she/they should know what I like/want/need” – you have an unshared expectation. 

Most of the people I have worked with who have cheated have said the same thing – they felt unappreciated, unwanted, and undesired in their relationship. Any pornography use was secondary to that feeling. 

The porn didn’t cause the cheating; the increasing distance and unappreciation in the relationship caused the cheating. 

With all of that said, I wholeheartedly encourage you to take time to reflect on your relationship with pornography, how you view pornography use, what benefits it may have to you and what your own limits and boundaries are with pornography. And then have a conversation with your partner about it – you may be surprised to learn something about yourself and each other.