Smex Ed

Ghosting, this is not a spooky Halloween style thing I’m referring to here, I’m diving into the dating phenomenon known as ghosting.  I will be sharing about what it is and the root cause as to why it happens and how to navigate ghosting..

Human behaviour is fascinating.  When we get super curious about why we do what we do, we can uncover the root cause of our behaviours, evolve ourselves, grow from it and heal.  

Everything we do as adults is so deeply entangled in what happened to us as a child and past experiences. 

Because here’s the thing, our subconscious mind runs the show, it influences 96-98% of our decisions, and this is the database that stores everything that has ever happened to us.  And what happens is that it creates beliefs and can limit us.  When we bring these beliefs into the conscious mind and shine a light on them we can start the process of reprogramming.  This is when we can shift our mindset and perspective which has an impact on everything.  

I’m Claire Doré, I’m an embodiment coach, writer, speaker and dating expert on Dublin City FM.  I am also single, divorced and actively dating.  In fact it is having navigated the dating journey over the past 22 months that has led me to truly understand the behaviour pattern of ghosting, because I have been ghosted multiple times myself.

WHAT IS GHOSTING?

Ghosting is a term used in the dating world.  It means when one partner abruptly ends communication with the other without explanation.  

I have a perspective on why people ghost which I am going to share in this article today, I also have a perspective on the gifts of ghosting too.  

Gifts?!  A gift from a shitty experience.  Yep, there is a gift in every situation.

But let’s be honest here ghosting sucks and no one desires to be ghosted.  Ghosting leaves people confused and I have had clients who choose to quit dating altogether because this has happened to them so often.  

BEING GHOSTED

I stepped into dating on New Years’ Eve December 2021, after leaving my 19 year marriage and 21 year relationship in July 2021.  I’ll be honest I had no idea what I was stepping into but I embraced it with an energy of “I’m choosing to have a fuck of a lot of fun” and I jumped all in, full body in!

My first experience of ghosting was my second date post divorce, with a guy I named, THE Beast, every guy I date I give them a character name.  We had a great night together, I drank champagne with him and we had fun in the bedroom!  Yes sex, sex on the first night, and that was a conscious choice.  I was fully up for this and one thing I had done prior to meeting was express my boundaries.  I always have a call with my dates prior to meeting up and one thing I like to discuss with them is boundaries and expectations.  One of which is after care (Check out this article on Aftercare ).  This was a non negotiable for me that he checked in with me post date.  He didn’t.  He did not check in at all.  

He ghosted me.  

He cut off communication completely.

I remember having a dramatic reaction to this experience.  Basically a massive pity party.

I remember sitting in a café and sobbing.  I shed a ton of tears over this guy… but I soon realised it had nothing to do with him at all.  Keep reading 😉

I bashed my journal like crazy that day, I expressed all my thoughts, feelings and emotions.  I was sad, fucked off, angry and squirming with discomfort.  This floored my energy and I could feel my body reacting.  I felt emotional, inconsolable and triggered, what I mean by that is his behaviour had opened what felt like deep hurt, my heart hurting.  The overall sense and feeling was that of “I’m alone”, rejected, causing me to ask myself the question “what is wrong with me?”

A GIFT?

Him ghosting me created an opportunity to heal my abandonment wound.  An abandonment wound originates from experiences where a person felt left behind, discarded, or rejected. These experiences might range from parental neglect in childhood, the loss of a loved one, to emotional or physical abandonment in relationships. Such experiences can leave an individual feeling undeserving of love, fostering a fear of forming close relationships.  Personally for me I was aware of my wounding, I had in fact had two experiences where I felt abandoned.  Through self awareness I first tracked this back to when my parents divorced and my dad left our family home. However I was also unconsciously carrying an earlier wounding which occurred when I was born.  In the 70’s, midwives used to remove the babies from where the mother slept and put them in a separate ward, “allowing the mother to sleep.” 

What then happens in our adult lives when we are carrying an abandonment wound is that situations can trigger it, which is in fact an opportunity to grow, however we need self awareness to recognise and get curious about why we are feeling the way we are feeling.

For me, the no communication post date brought up all these feelings of rejection and being alone, as if I was being abandoned all over again.  

What it in fact did was cause me to really sit with all of these big feelings, get really curious, practice self compassion and being really gentle with myself.  What was happening was this experience exposed my wound and deep under the surface it was distressing my younger self, also referred to as our inner child.  As adults we are feeling all this hurt and heart break but essentially it’s our child self that is the one screaming to be heard in that moment.  Why is that?  Because when your needs are not fully met as a child, as in you don’t feel, seen, heard or loved then when we are adults, especially in relationship situations we crave this love and validation because we fear experiencing these abandonment feelings.

I’m not going to sugar coat this, it was uncomfortable, going back to how I felt as a child felt painful, consciously choosing to look at and feel the big emotions hurt, it felt like my heart breaking.  What I have learnt is this kind of practice has empowered me. Helping me to connect with myself on a deep level but also shift myself from the “poor me” pity party to embodying more security in myself.

This is healing in a nutshell, the more we allow ourselves to feel all of our emotions, we release it from our bodies.

Sounds a bit weird but when these moments come up we can choose how we look at it.  We can choose to get excited about this, as this is an opportunity to learn so much about ourselves and evolve.

These are moments when we really connect to who we are and truly attend to our needs, a form of true self love in my opinion.  

GHOSTED AGAIN?!?!

I met a guy who was amazing, we had an awesome connection, he was oodles of fun and he treated me like an absolute Queen.  As with all my guys, I had specifically requested he check in with me post date.  He didn’t.  I was gutted.  And let’s be honest this relationship was not going to be going anywhere as he lived in the states and I lived in the UK however that was not an excuse to not honour my request, and continue to be a true gentleman.  

All of these experiences helped me become present to my needs in a relationship dynamic, a core need was for after cara, regardless of whether I would then be seeing him again.  

However this specific NYC situation caused me to explore “ghosting” in more detail.  It actually led me to start to see what was deeper under the surface.  As previous experiences of this it of course triggered my abandonment wound again, but this time I got to see a new perspective too which I hadn’t seen before.  

WHY DO PEOPLE GHOST?

Here’s what I learned, ghosting can be a sign of someone carrying the mother wound.  

A mother wound is: when a child has had an emotionally unavailable mother.  This conditioning can lead to wounding and trauma.  what has happened is their needs as a child were not met, this is not an intentional thing by a parent, but it leaves the child not feeling seen, heard, or loved. 

Side note:  I believe all parents have the intention to give the best experience to a child but we can only do this with the knowledge we have at that time.  Therefore this is most often a learned behaviour that travels through generations, what is known as a generational wounding. 

How this wound is created is the child doesn’t feel, seen, heard or loved, and doesn’t feel safe to express all of themselves.  This generational pattern is modelled through society.  There are narratives that have been present for years, “Big boys don’t cry”, “Stop being a girl”, “You’ll be ok”, “Pull yourself together”, all of these phrases make a boy (and this wounding does not just affect boys btw) feel it’s not ok to express their tears and emotions.  So instead they push it down, create a stiff upper lip and suppress it.  The emotions then get stuck in the body and this causes them to adopt a belief that it’s not safe to express emotions with a woman.  However we all have the ability to learn emotional intelligence and this can be continually strengthened.  The more we pause and evaluate our emotions, observe them with curiosity, we have the opportunity to understand them and ourselves more. 

How someone unconsciously carrying a mother wound looks like is as an adult when they are in a relationship situation with a woman they don’t know how to be.  They fear experiencing this lack of love again so instead fly from the situation as a form of protection because they don’t want to feel these huge feelings again.  It can in fact cause an inability to connect deeply with a woman.  So this has a huge impact on creating intimacy and true connection in a relationship, their hearts are not fully open and walls are built as a way to protect… but also most importantly it stops them from fully being themselves.  

All of this comes from the conditioned masculine which is a societal conditioning.  Something we will dive into in another article as it’s deeply interconnected to people fully owning their sexuality.

And as I mentioned earlier, it is not just men who carry this wounding, I am just sharing from my experience as an example of how this can display itself.

So what happens is they retreat and as time passes they find it even more difficult to connect and fear the response so instead ghost, fleeing from the relationship.   This is also known as an avoidant attachment style.  

An avoidant attachment style develops as a child when a caregiver is emotionally unavailable and their needs are not taken care of.  What is often then created as a result is the child becomes emotionally independent.

How this then plays out in a relationship dynamic is they feel uncomfortable to express their feelings and instead run from the situation.  This behaviour pattern has a huge impact on creating connection and intimacy.

These ghosting experiences became golden moments of profound wisdom for me, firstly an unexpected gift to heal but also an incredible opportunity to understand the root cause of why people adopt this behaviour pattern.

How to navigate ghosting if you are on the receiving end.

•  First and foremost there is nothing wrong with you.
• Slow down and create space for self reflection.
• Get curious about what you are noticing and feeling.
• What do you feel this is showing you?
• Is there something here for you to grow from?
• Express any thoughts and feelings you may have around this.  Journaling is a great way to express anything that is swirling around our minds and stealing our energy.
• Voicing your feelings with a coach or therapist is a powerful way release any emotions you may be feeling from your body.
• Everything starts with self awareness.
• If it feels right then you could send a message to the other person to check in with them, the most important thing here is to come from an energy of compassion and love.

ARE YOU A GHOSTER? LET’S CHAT

If you are reading this and realising that you are in fact someone who ghosts then feel into what might be under the surface.  

What do you feel is at the root of this?  

When you read the above what did you feel?  

Did anything resonate with you or feel true?

Uncovering a childhood wound is delicate work, it requires self compassion and being gentle with yourself.  

Looking after your own needs first is always the first port of call.

Ask yourself what would be the first step to change this pattern?

Are you able to sit in a place of compassion for the person on the receiving end? 

And if so would a first step to breaking this pattern be having a conversation with that person?.  From a place of love, compassion and honesty about how you are feeling.  Not only does this show respect but also helps you to reprogram your subconscious mind.  

All relationships, whether that’s a one off date or something long term the key to true intimacy and connection is clear, transparent open communication.

Whatever side of ghosting you are on, remember you are not broken and there is nothing wrong with you.  This is in fact a powerful growth opportunity.  An opportunity to heal so you can have the relationship you desire.