Smex Ed

Last month I signed up for Stir, the dating app for single parents. I still haven’t filled out my profile, and here’s why: I’m afraid.

And if you’re a single mom out there thinking about jumping back into the saddle of dating again and feeling afraid or worried or nervous…just know you’re not alone. In fact, I’ve already written about a lot of the fears that come up as a single mom when we start to consider diving back into the dating pool.

The thing is, though, it’s not just the dating I’m worried about. It’s what comes next, or for some of you, maybe, what comes before.

Sex.

Opening up to an emotional relationship is one thing, but getting physical?! 

While I certainly enjoy physical pleasure, the idea of getting undressed in front of someone (or someones) again after nearly a decade of intimacy with just one person, much less juggling all the what-ifs that come after that undressing, feels absolutely horrifying.

And I know I’m not the only one who has fears around the possibility of getting sexually intimate with a new partner.

Whether you’ve been single for a while and are thinking about taking that next step or you’re considering looking beyond the “toy stash” to satisfy your sexual needs, it’s possible you’re coming up against some fears of your own.

Let’s see if we can address them so you can, at the very least, stop stressing about the what-ifs.

FEAR: MY BODY HAS CHANGED

Odds are, if you’re a somewhat newly single mom, your body has changed since the last time you were dating. Which means you might have some hesitations around starting a new physical relationship. Especially if you were in your previous relationship for a while, like me.

Maybe you worry: What will they think of your body, with its stretch marks and soft spots? And if you’re feeling your own insecurities about your body, that can make the worries even worse.

If that’s you, worrying about your “muffin top”, imagine you’re sitting across from Julia Roberts in that scene in Eat, Pray, Love, where she tells her friend that the guy she’s with doesn’t give two shits about her muffin top, he’s just happy to have a naked woman standing in front of him. That guy you’re thinking about having sex with? He’s going to be happy to be having sex. He’s not going to be judging your every bump and roll and stretch mark. In fact, he just might find them sexy AF.

Even if you’re completely confident and secure with your body and how a new partner might respond to it, there are other worries to consider. So let’s work through them, too.

FEAR: PHYSICAL ONLY OR A ONE NIGHT STAND?

 What will you do if they only want a physical relationship or are looking for a one-night thing?

The question really is: what do you want? Are you looking for something more serious? Then make sure that’s clear from the get-go. Want something casual? Then let any prospective partner know that. 

There are lots of ways to communicate your stance here. You can make sure your dating profiles are clear around your relationship expectations. You can be straightforward on your first date with a simple, “I’m not interested in anything long term” (or vice versa). 

The key here is communication, whether you’re in it for a night or a lifetime. Know what YOU want and then go out there and find someone who can give it to you, and don’t settle for less (or more) until you find them.

FEAR: WANTING DIFFERENT LEVELS OF COMMITMENT

What if one of you wants more than the other? How will you handle it?

It can be easy to let boundaries and expectations slide when you’re feeling the thrill of early attraction in a new relationship. But doing that will only cause issues – and potentially pain and heartache – in the long run.

Knowing what you want as far as commitment, and even what your expectations are as far as how you want to be treated and what you desire physically and emotionally, is important to making sure your boundaries don’t get pushed around. A great way to make sure you’re sticking to your personal guidelines when it comes to a new relationship is to write down exactly what your boundaries are so you can check back in with them if you start to feel pressured (from your partner or yourself) to shift them.

Again, communication is key. If you let your needs and wants be known from the get-go, then you’ll be able to acknowledge and communicate if things get off track or your needs don’t match up with your potential partner – and move on, if necessary.

FEAR: PEOPLE JUDGING YOU

What if people judge you for pursuing a new relationship, especially if you’re looking for something that’s purely physical right now?

As women, we’re often judged for doing things that men get praised for. Add in the fact that you’re a single mom, and judgment abounds, not just when it comes to pursuing relationships, but often simply because you exist.

It’s not an easy feeling to face when you’re trying to start a new life or rebuild from scratch. But it does need to be faced, because no matter what you do, there’s judgment. 

Want to stay single? You’ll be judged for living off the system or not having a two-parent household or “being cold” or any of at least a dozen more judgments I can think of off the top of my head.

Want to find a new partner? You’ll be judged for roping another man into raising your kids or looking for a sugar daddy or being a slut.

So how do you face that judgment and still move forward? You have to trust yourself, first and foremost. As long as you know you’re doing what’s right for you and your kids, you’ll be able to handle whatever judgment comes your way.

Then, when they come at you, you can simply say … F*ck ‘em.

Seriously…because people are going to judge you either way. If they judge you for seeking out companionship and connection, whatever your preferred context in this stage of your life, that’s their problem, not yours. You do you, boo. And let the haters hate. They’re probably just jealous anyway.

Maybe go a little further here, dig deeper. I think you could bring more to this than just “let haters hate” 

FEAR: SEXUAL HISTORY

What about their sexual history? How will you know your level of risk?

This is going to get old, but… start with communication. Whether you’re looking for a one-night fling or a potential long-term partner, it’s okay to ask the necessary questions. It may feel awkward, but it’s important to be on the same page and know what you’re getting into. You can ask things like:

Have they been tested for HIV and/or STDs recently?
Have they had any STDs in the last 6 months?

Do they regularly have unprotected sex?

Are they willing to use a condom?

If you want more suggestions for questions to ask potential sexual partners, there’s a full list at stdcheck.com.

Could they lie to you even if you do get up the courage to ask these questions? Yes. So also make sure you take care of yourself and bring along protection. Listen to your gut. And don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself if a potential partner resists whatever level of protection you need to feel comfortable getting it on.

FEAR: SAFETY

And what about physical safety? How will you make sure you’re going home with (or bringing home) someone you can trust?

This one can get a little trickier, especially if you’re not looking for anything serious. Meeting initially in a public place, making sure someone else knows where you are at all times, and setting up an “emergency exit” plan can all help you to feel safer when you’re heading home with someone new. And if you’re not comfortable bringing someone to your home, then don’t. It’s as simple as that. Trust your gut, always.

FEAR: MOM GUILT

And what about all the guilt you feel around putting your needs first and finding a fling (or more) while your kids are home with a sitter? 

Yes, mom-guilt is real. And there are so many reasons why we end up feeling guilty in the first place. Taking care of you and your needs shouldn’t be one of them. Whether those needs are a shower, a workout or a good old fashioned lay. You deserve to feel good and have your needs met. Just think of all those amazing benefits of the Big O and how they’ll make you a happier, healthier mom!

Getting back into bed with another human after becoming a single mom may feel daunting and scary. But like anything else that matters, it’s worth working through the fears to get to the other side.

So if you’re like me and you’re staring down that blinking cursor on your dating profile, avoiding what comes next like the plague, maybe it’s time to just do the damned thing. Figure out what you want, be confident in the fact that you deserve to have it, and go out there and get it.

And when the fears come up, because they absolutely will, do what you need to to move through them, knowing that you’re not alone in them – I’m right there with you.